This is basically my message to him…
"… I’m just wanting to update you on my condition. Because I don’t know what’s the best to do.
My motivation levels are so low. It’s chronically so. I usually hate going out at the best of times but now even getting dressed is so hard. Shopping is something i have to do because theres no more food for my husband and he can’t go shopping for me due to his epilepsy condition. I have neglected my teeth and have to go urgently to dentist and I’m terrified. I hardly brush my teeth - the effort is too much. I can’t even write even though I have three book projects I want to start. Want to but just can’t…got no mental energy. A spark but no fuel. I can still read and cook and do laundry but I can’t keep up with cleaning the house. The bathrooms are dirty. Surfaces are dusty. All I want to do is escape from reality…escape into my reading novels and music. The only joy I have besides reading is having coffee with my husband. I love him so much and I’m terrified I’d lose him thru my condition. If I don’t drive him or do shopping or get my meds etc. then who will?
My voices and inserted thoughts and depression may be largely at bay but the avolition and apathy eat away at my whole life. "
He said it does sound like I’m depressed. I didn’t think of it that way. Because I’m confused - isn’t it more negative symptoms I’m feeling? This avolition and apathy? And how does one tell difference between the depression and negative symptoms? I thought it was negative symptoms because I didn’t particularly feel sad or anything. But is he right? Is it more depression? Or both?
I feel so helpless… maybe I have to take my full dose again… I can cope on 200mg amisulpride but if I relapse I take 400mg. I am reluctant to take full dose as it’s so expensive and so maybe 300mg can help? I seem to need to increase it more.
It seems like all three of my meds help the depression not only olanzapine and Lamotrigine but amisulpride too.
My voices and paranoia not so much so that’s also why I lowered amisulpride. But it seems I need it for another reason…
As long as I can avoid hospital…that’s all that matters. And avoid hurting my husband. I love him so much.
I’m so stuck