ok - so
forgive me if the below is not clear - i’m still working on this.
i have been on and off throughout the time since diagnosis - on a medium dose of meds over a number of years and have only been capable of charity shop work for 3 hours once a week during those times - on and off for years at a time.
it was because i was recovering from psychotic breaks (schizophrenia - first episode and subsequent)
= normal dose - recovering from an episode - very little capability = normal non psychotic phase This is as much as most schizophrenics can do most of the time myself included.
I have been medicated up to the eyeballs (2 serious antipsychotics) for a about a year after a severe couple of years of psychosis… I took up running, joined a dating site and once or twice a week I did gardening and tree planting volunteering 1 or 2 x a week
= on a high dose - just after prolonged and esevere episodes I had high levels of motivation (just wanting my life back)
Subsequently, for a number of years I was on a depot injection which was a rollercoaster ride of being over, averagely then under medicated in a 3 week cycle.
I ran less (couple of miles or so was my maximum long run) and felt like lying down a bit more on the heavily medicated weeks. It was a battle - hence not a motivation issue.
I was furious that i was not able to keep to a tough schedule - hence it was a lack of Ability - from sz / as well as some sedation from the meds - yes i wanted to lie on the couch more, never bad to get a rest if you have this illness
Yes a lot of sedation was caused by the meds but also the idea i think i’m trying to explore here of Schizophrenics being more motivated while psychotic (active state) and incapable due to recovery from these states
in a kind of steady state of schizophrenia.
Yes i was pretty floored on meds heavy weeks with the depot but it did not affect my motivation - i still wanted to do those things (run further) and I still tried without fail. It felt like it was a physical block not a mental state.
I attributed it to laziness, not meds and beat myself up - on a 4 week rest cycle as is recommended with running - the one week i did less - was the heavily medicated week. Yes i could do less - but with the option of walking the streets naked I think it was a choice.
High - medium - low dose (3 weekly depot) = effectively less capable with high levels of meds - and pre psychotic when on the low absorption week.
The docs got me to the lowest dose possible and it was frightening so they suggested going up a little - over time I went on to realise that a little higher than the lowest possible dose was optimum.
I have now been very active for 2 years straight - enough to kill me earlier on in my recovery
i have asked to be over medicated so that I might continue with what I’m doing. I have been advised against it and on a typical med but because i haven’t stopped they have given in and given me a high dose - i think i might just get movement disorder from it, but at the moment my life shows little sign of slowing down
I am heavily medicated up to the eyeballs and it isn’t remotely slowing me down. I am a founding member of a Theatre Company, and have been writing and producing for about 4 years.
My meds have gone up twice and if it was a sign of over medication giving me lack of motivation i would have no way of being as fully active as I am.
I am pre psychotic and close to the psychosis state, if you take into account all of the above (excessive motivation on normal dose of meds) and subsequently (over motivated due to being close to a psychotic schizophrenic state) it is doing too much that is causing me to be more psychotic and more motivated in a state of very heavy antipsychotic medication.
conclusion - the longer you remain in recovery - the more capable you become (!!) ?
how are you going to do that without the right meds?
If you want to call yourself being ‘pathetic’ like i did because of the meds? I really don’t think it is that.
Schizophrneic symptoms override everything - no ‘motivation’ I don’t think that comes into it- it’s steady schizophrenia state / recovering. (housework is another thing completely)
active state of psychcosis = high motivational dangerous to self and others
steady state of recovery (no matter high normal or low dose)
I actually think that low motivation is only a relevant phrase when discussing what the illness does to us.
looking up symptoms of schizophrenia !