I am the forth horse. My school is doing their dreaded awards ceremonies as we near graduation. I hate them. I never get anything even as I sit ranking #4 out of 300(actually 491 I just found out) kids. It is depressing. I have always wanted one of these awards, but at this rank, I will most likely not get anything.
Worst of all,the administration knows about my mental things so probably wouldnât give anything to me if they could. Some of them treat me like a ticking time bomb when Iâm not.
The voices threaten me and tell me people will die when I donât get one. I know it isnât true, though. I am just very sad. I donât know why this is so important. It feels like I have failed and am now doomed to be forgotten I donât know why I feel this way.
I donât get it. I hate this feeling. Iâve failed my head and my goals. I hate failing and now I am a failure.
You shouldnât think of yourself as a failure. If Iâm reading your post right, you ranked forth out of 300 students. Just because you donât get any medals for it doesnât mean itâs not a superb outcome.
School awards are a joke most of the time. I overheard teachers discussing and admitting that they played favorites, and also that sometimes they gave awards to naughty or underachieving students hoping that it would encourage them to âlive up toâ the awards. At one ceremony I remember they were giving out some ridiculous most intelligent type award, and the kid with the best grades started getting up, thinking he would receive it, and then another name was called, and while she was probably a good student, it seemed completely random. I was once given a âperseveranceâ award like wtf is that. And for the record I hated having to stand up there in front of hundreds of other students who all had these looks on their faces like it was the lamest â â â â ever. Donât rely on silly school awards for validation, just stick to the facts. In spite of severe mental illness, you rank 4 out of 300, obviously that is damn impressive. You donât need some piece of paper from a teacher likely made in Microsoft Paint an hour before the ceremony.
@anon84763962 Crap, it is actually 491 damn. I am proud that I have gotten thus far. My father was his schoolâs Valedictorian, and I always wanted to make him proud and be my schoolâs. People at my school think I am weird and smart-stupid because, Iâve blurted out delusional thinking in class I also kinda want to prove them wrong in ways.
@Rhubot I think they are more scared of me than understanding. They are the same admin that carted me to the mental hospital cuffed to a police car. The principal liked me enough to let me back into the school, though. Thank you for the wand!
@Turnip Thanks for making me laugh . You are probably right. I just need to get the thoughts to leave me alone. Iâm trying to ignore these voices. Hey, next time someone tells you you should quit at something, just whip out the âperseveranceâ award and be like âmake me!â
Thank you Jimbob. I am going to try my best at the University. I found that they have a clinic on campus just for people with sz/a and related disorders. I will for sure be utilizing it.
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I also kinda want to prove them wrong in ways.
. You are probably right. I just need to get the thoughts to leave me alone. Iâm trying to ignore these voices. Hey, next time someone tells you you should quit at something, just whip out the âperseveranceâ award and be like âmake me!â 
