So I have always been told by my friends that I see the world in black and white and that I give all or nothing. It struck me so hard and true that I bought an entire wardrobe of red, black and white, the only colors I see, two years ago. Today my therapist calmed me down from an anxious and depressive breakdown by asking me to once again see things in black and white- to just do what needs to be done, go to the gym, apologize to this guy who is mad at me and continue to workout there and stand my ground. He pointed out that a year ago I was too antisocial to feel guilt, cry or be anxious about having wronged anyone-- he noted that I am basically recovered from my psychopathic traits if I cry, which is something I used to never do.
But I have been told to basically cut that ■■■■ out and be logical and not emotional in times like this. My symptoms have been flaring up, I cried all day sunday and monday, managed to go lift with a buddy at a random gym (I hate normal gyms, thats why I am staying at the powerlifting gym) but have been suffering from anhedonia, set a personal record yesterday and felt like ■■■■ (um not normal for me at all) and havent found amusement in watching anime and hanging out with friends and family. I have been gagging and throwing up in my mouth and swallowing it because my meds are in that vomit, and that is anxiety and depression, he said. Its time for me to look at things in terms of what I can and cannot do- basically look at things through some black and white goggles like I used to 24/7. Just apologize to who I have offended and stay at that gym because I cant live without it. Its simple. Its in black and white. Do it or dont do it.
To me, black and white symbolize pain and survival. They go hand in hand and cannot exist without each other. Red used to symbolize rage but now it generally means passion to me, I have experienced deep feelings for people again since my recovery began.
Ive started seeing a guy. Its going well, were talking a whole lot and he came to town to visit on Saturday and he already knows about my condition and supports it. I met him online and he lives 2 hours away, but we really click so I am very hopeful and happy when I talk to him. We had been talking for months and I was hesitant to meet him, I guess I just wasnt in the mood with finals and ■■■■ but it finally happened and we got along perfectly well, I said I am into him. He reciprocated.
But yeah, I just wanted to give an update on the almighty mortimermouse and his journeys though knee high flash floods of ■■■■. I have been a wreck for almost a week and it ends now. Im done feeling like ■■■■, I dont deserve to feel that way.