Good mornings everyone. Cold air, warm blanket, cuddle corgi, and my tea. I like my morning ritual.
Not much going on today. Few chores. Havenāt been able to video game lately, way too triggering. Iām feeling my resolve waver at times with games, Fantastical and magic realms I lose myself in, lights a fire in me that I donāt like, rabbit holeās abound.
Had some voices last night. Took my PRN this morning, hoping that helps, just an extra 5mg Zyprexa. Probably means Iāll need a nap, but oh well.
Wishing everyone a good day
Iām at my peer support job again. Itās the second day in the office. We have nothing to do lol.
my hygiene and health is atrocious. Been neglecting it and living in my head and going on the forums and internet.
I will bid you lot goodnight. Neighbour opposite is pissed as a fart, and fell UP the stairs lol, and she tried opening my door with her key lol. Scared the crap outta me lol.
Im off to bed with a book. Im still watching you all on my tablet tho! lol 
I found a cool documentary called āSecrets of the Shadow Governmentā from VICE but donāt know how to watch it for free. I could look harder. I love that stuff. Conspiracy theories. Itās like I like hurting myself by entertaining myself.
I guess it might be on hulu. gotta check it out.
Donāt watch that ā ā ā ā , man.
I know itās hard not to, but itās just feeding the monster.
Why donāt you watch some safe shows.
Ones that donāt have anything to do with your delusions.
Did you ever watch āThe Wireā or āOzā?
Those are two of my favorites,
A lot of violence, but nothing too triggering as far as your delusions go.
My nephew has gotten so fat over the pandemic. I bet heās put on 25-30 pounds and heās only in 8th grade and probably 5ā10ā.
Iām trying to think of ways to get him back in shape.
I donāt like violent shows like that but I was thinking of watching vampire shows like V wars something and stuff like that.
The sad thing is I got a vampire delusion but itās more like a time travel delusion. I cannot watch most time travel movies anymore without thinking too hard and deep about them.
But the vampire stuff is silly and I enjoyed the shows especially Vampire Diaries.
They got some nice documentaries on netflix like geniuses and stuff. looks cool. Even Freud looks cool. Probably not going to trigger me.
Stuff like Old Guard which looks simple would make me think Iām immortal or somethingā¦but I wanna watch it, unfortuantely. I feel like I gain knowledge.
UpGRADE!! Itās a film stay away from it if you think your being controlled.mind control like
My problem (the problem with me) is I feel like the beings trapped me in a time loop from the point I got schizophrenia till I die, I guess, with schizophrenia. I cannot do anything with my life at all. Iām legitimately immortal but since I do die, itās more like quasi-immortality, or fake immortality.
I thought I got cursed in college in 2011 by the pot that did something to me. Like I got bit by a vampire or something.
It sounds silly, but now Iām trapped for eternity including big bang and big crunch but it feels like a time loop or cyclic like the universe repeats or returns indefinitely (so far, Iāve lived thousands or more lives but it feels like in the trillions now).
Since thereās no evidence, I might be in a different timeline with some memories. I remember the trauma, experiments and stuff.
I think aliens did it basically or the people running the simulation.
Thereās no proof.
I wanted to join the military but they donāt let people like me join. I think it could be the energy drinks (autism symptoms) or possibly my alien dna. My mind was uploaded to a computer so I remember everything and my previous lives Iāve been told affect my personality and behavior. So I was hurt and stuff and affected mentally and psychologically.
So I donāt know if Iām an alien/vampire super soldier basically except itās all in my head and crap.
I keep ressurecting but back to the year 2011 via consciousness transfer through a wormhole by aliens (grey).
This has been going on too long like infinity/eternity.
It feels real and may be real but obviously nobody is going to believe me especially here. I just want help and to escape the time loop.
I get thoughts of the movie dracula 3000 and transcendence basically lol.
basically thatās why im so adament and desperate about curing my schizophrenia. Cant do ā ā ā ā in life except suffer. been going on in every reset/loop.
lol
Wonder how earth child is doing.
She was going to divorce her husband.
Hope she is well.
I slept well last night with out sleeping 
tablets.
Bit worried about going to the urologist and having a hystoscopy or what ever itās called because I wee so often.
I miss my x in sa and girls.
Canāt believe I left.
He is the person I love most in the world I think.
I love my new boyfriend in another way and appreciate him .
Itās all new still.
We have only met a few times.
Hope you are all well.
i think i am an american version of a hikikomori
Just had spicy guacamole with pita and 2 slightly boiled eggs. Then a few pieces of dried mango.
Ubereats messed up my order. I usually complain if I get a bad order but I donāt have the energy to take a photo and send it off so whatever Iāll just eat it. Lol.