For me personally I use the word now to describe whenever I lose control of my own mind. When my mind is producing material, either internally our externally, without me willing it to do so, that’s the best word (psychosis) I have. I haven’t found a word (though it may exist) to describe when I lose control of my mind. Maybe because self-aware psychosis is still not really all that recognized. I was actually shocked (after all I had read on the internet) when my pdoc explained that I can have psychosis and be aware of it, very casually like she was explaining a duh-thing.
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I think of that in terns of thoughts that I know are unusual but despite that ability to see they are unusual are very persistent and hard to shake off.
I know the textbooks very much say if your psychotic you don’t see your thoughts are unusual but in my experience I would say that’s not always true.
I’ve read a few pieces that say OCD can cross the line into psychosis, when the intrusive thoughts are very severe.
I imagine for myself at least it is a bit of a mixed bag of issues that sort of feed off each other.
Nice post as always. I related on numerous points. As far as falling somewhere between neurosis (primary) and psychosis (has been but never lost touch completey at least I’m not told though now have no idea of what reality truly is) As for the delusions I’ve had some, in my mid 20’s I had a storm of flashbacks, a lot of which are probably true (my life is a conspiracy against which I’m not fighting) but a good deal can’t be unless you consult a Hindu string theorist or something lol.
As for the gender confusion, I have a “memory” of being told before birth I was being put in the body of a male for my own protection (probably shouldn’t have shared this) I’ve posted before that I’d been told by a therapist that I was a straight male with the literal brain of a woman after having an MRI which was ripped from my own hands upon coming back from the hospital. It ruffled some feathers with people on here. I mean I’m absolutely heterosexual but relate to women in a way that has made my relationships with them very unique, different, and now non-existent. I now have no idea what anyone’s true life experience is but am sure it’s very different than mine which is scary as I’ve known and loved those who I now realize I never truly knew to the full extent. But I know this made many more comfortable and this was the attraction other than my looks, I’ve gained weight and lost it so many times since my 20’s that it’s really messed with my already weak sense of self, currently overweight.
Anyway, just wanted to relate what I could to this post.
yeah, I like the way you think.
The sexes become more aligned within brothers/sisters/cousins, and if you had a somewhat feminist mother, it helps.
We evolve over time or morph into what we need.
I was declared a male feminist in the dorms of Clark University drinking with the cast of the Vagina Monologues which was basically my ex and her friends in the early 2000’s and now I feel like…I don’t know maybe I just listen to voices too much and seclude myself. I feel like I’ve morphed into all that I’m not though, lately I’ve been feeling like I don’t know that I’m not the most misunderstood person on the face of the earth.
ha, personal identity is too many times determined by our peers
even at young age. My cousin for example excelled in all studies from
his best friend, neighbor, and they went on to compete in basketball. He actually, the friend, blew
the shot in the end of their high school career,
but my cousin went on to play in college, and the friend is a coach now.