Sorry I’m socially pent up here. Long weekends of working downtown. Mild social conflict. A long string of days where I have been woken up by my mother far earlier than what is healthy for me. I have to sort of unlock my soul a bit… It might seem aggressive at times, but It’s just that I want to utilize that fighting spirit to trivialize the burdens of my coming days.
It’s like reviewing old adages to reflect upon social juxtapose. To attempt to make new friends only to find a sense of disapproval stemming from within. I’m afraid I was too quick to trust and too quick to let my barriers down. The red carpet was laid out and upon it someone spilled there drink.
It really resonates with a situation I was once in. Even the geographical location is only three doors down from a job I was holding about 6 months before the onset of my psychosis. It’s harbinger call to the fact that the things I quarreled with in my past did not necessarily go away… I had just found bastion against them.
Things will never be as bad as before… The conflict that simple people breed into the more complicated among them are stagnant. The specifics are never as conflicting as when they are introduced. However, dealing with simple people who think they’re not is something else entirely.
I’m ringing around the rosy here. Yet I am failing to thread the needle. I don’t wish for any of the accusations on my mind to stand set in stone. I just need to jot down some of what is more relevant in the long run in an attempt to curb my thinking to more optimistic ground.
The is immaturity in our culture that is embraced as something else. I can even imagine the depths of the pressures that keep people locked in, defensively, of some of the things they feel they should do… but it all revolves around social identity, hierarchy, social influence, and power.
I have not hardly shared a shred or thread or singular fiber of my being at my work place. I did not want it to be a personality contest. I’ll say for it is still not. However, I am seeing signs in some others that they are still locked into that old high school game. They sit pretending to be the masters of their prejudice… It’s a liberal town in which many stand upon the false clout of being masters of liberal thinking… yet all of them still take to pretense and prejudice.
The words of dismiss and slander bounced around in my head for so many years that most of them don’t phase me. The only problem is that I’m in a situation now where I can feel my identity is going to be decided for me… not based on anything else but how the others need to see me for their highest sense of comfort.
I consider that find to just be patient, strong, and watch what happens. This is neither my first or last rodeo…
… but it’s leading me to be condescending internally. I can’t really prop up the idea of immature people who are squabbling for influence. It’s something I haven’t known in a years time. I was frankly glad to be rid of my grudges and now I feel that I am going to need help to keep them at bay.
The goal is to not be above or below the situation, but to exist outside of it. Almost socio-pathically removed from the prejudice around me as I force myself to just keep on trying to be nice.
Now before it sounds like I’m in some situation that will powder keg. I want you to know that I only work two nights a week. Me venting here hopefully will allow me to take my mind off of this.
For those of you who do know me, you know that there is a lot to me. I am not just a college degree or a job or any of those other plug’n’play parameters of a human being. It’d take someone years to fully get to know me… as it is for most people. I’ve spent no more than 24 days at work and some of my coworkers are starting to try to slap on their evaluators… I’m becoming a character… and soon I’ll be a part of their gossip…
Hah… I think I’ve said all that I’ve needed. It’s a trivial ordeal, but I need to frame it up for myself until the point it made me chuckle. Such a waste of head space it’s been… there are just so few folk who understand professionalism in the food service industry. They’re all still half-locked in playground mentalities…