The last time I went off medication for a long period of time was when I was 17, and it ended with a relapse and hospitalization. I was out of control. My moods switched a lot and I was erratic and upset. I recall at a retreat I went to on a farm I tried to overcome it but couldnt.
I kept getting angry at people over nothing and my thoughts were completely disorganized and chaotic. I felt threatened when an adult offered to teach me to drive and started crying and called him a ■■■■■■■. That’s not what I want. I’d dropped out of a private HS before that summer. My first symptoms set in as feeling like I woke up in a different existence. My teacher had a diabetic attack which didn’t help my paranoia. I tried to keep the mania and paranoia under control.
I kept spacing out, like in one instant all the students were in church and I was still in the school classroom. The principle tried to recruit this woman who visited. She would wait next to the school guidance counselor and for a week or so kept asking if I would see her. I kept refusing. She wanted to video tape me while I was doing schoolwork. The notion freaked me out and I got paranoid. My parents were sent a letter requesting permission for this study or whatever.
Then I dropped out of HS because I was so intimidated by that the illness and students. I really felt swallowed up in an endless space of confusion. When I get ill my first symptoms are exhaustion to the point of delerium, ear ringing, nightmares, and constant anxiety and fear. It doesn’t cause me to become violent it just makes me unravel until there’s nothing left of me.
But I’m not having those symptoms…it’s only been a month or 3 weeks. It took 6 months when I was 17 for the psychosis to fully return.