Hello to anyone who chooses to read this. I’m going through a difficult time. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I developed a psychosis while off medication. I didn’t believe that I would fall for another psychosis, but I did. I’ve been back on medication since January, but continue to have problems. I always had problems, always will. It was a stupid psychosis! My first psychosis was stupid, too.
Errant thoughts are still coming to mind, and I’m playing “Whack-a mole” with these thoughts. I believed that the neurotransmitter serotonin was the second coming of Jesus. Kind of the way that many people view psychiatric medications! I believed that that substance was a panacea for all my problems except for my alcoholism. I’m coming to terms with the truths that are coming out. Today, my mind demonstrated its prowess in how it made exercise seem effortless when I had the substance serotonin. It just put on a brief display of that altered perception for me.
It started to mess with me tonight, not allowing me to feel the effects of alcohol at first. I’m feeling some, but not the full effects, of the alcohol I’ve consumed. The mind is a powerful thing. I know of a woman who is convinced that adhering to an all-natural diet and taking enzymes cured her schizoaffective disorder. I already knew that it is only because she believes in that, that it seems to work. I believed that serotonin was my fix for everything. If I had obtained it, it would have seemed to set evrything straight as I believed.
The mind has the power to heal, it has the power to harm. I’m taking what I consider to be an important step- in the nick of time, I called for a return authorization for the 20 bottles of liquid serotonin I ordered. Letting the delusions and the fake experiences go now. It isn’t easy. I called another vendor to request permission to sell more liquid serotonin on eBay. Let it go. However, I do not feel a will to live without my delusions. One user asked: Is there a way to have something real to motivate me? Boy do I wish I had the answer to that. Only bullspit has ever motivated me!
I wish I could pay for more testing, like functional MRI, to find out the truth of what is going on in my brain. It wasn’t serotonin deficiency, though I did exhibit the symptoms throughout my entire life. Childhood depression, emotional dysregulation, I would love the true explanation. They did not have all the technology that they have now. But I can’t pay for any more testing. If I could be a research subject, that would be cool. Why do I lack a sense of satiety? No amount of food is enough. I smoke and smoke and smoke. I drink and drink and drink. It was lovely to believe that magic serotonin would make all that go away, but it wasn’t the truth.
Reality is not better than fantasy. If it were, many of us on here would not have gotten into trouble! But truth is always better than lies. If you read all these paragraphs, thank you for reading this. My friends and family mostly don’t understand having experienced psychosis, and what it’s like to let the fantasy go.