I guess you might charitably call me a high-functioning schizophrenic, though obviously applying that word to myself is a form of self-flattery. Basically, I just graduated from college with a 3.7 GPA, and made the Dean’s List in my last two semesters. Whatever, these rewards are small potatoes, I know, in the grand scheme of things. There are lots of people who graduate from college with good GPAs. It takes more than good study habits to make your way in life, and I have to figure out my post-college life.
I am recovering from schizoaffective disorder, obviously, since I’m here. So whatever I do, I need to keep my wits about me, and stay humble. That is the most difficult part about the internet, and modern society generally. It brings out the worst in people - deception, greed, self-promotion, and perhaps worst of all a false sense of self and one’s place in the world. I believe that excessive use of the internet, and even forums like this, can lead to much evils (as I have enumerated) and can magnify people’s narcissism and character flaws. It is with this knowledge that I am entering this forum with trepidation. I try to limit my internet browsing time, and I also hardly ever argue or post my opinions on internet comment threads. Silence is golden.
But I have a desire to make my own way in this world, as Frank Sinatra said “I did it my way.” So here’s what I see doing with my life.
First of all, I’m going to become a peer support specialist. I read that the average compensation is ~$15/hour, and that is really disappointing to me, because my selfish nature craves money. I wish I had a car, but my parents, who are very generous with me, cannot afford to give me one. It’s really hard to make a living with 15 dollars an hour, but it will allow me to survive. One tutoring company offered to paay me 20 dollars an hour teaching science and math related stuff to high school kids, and I suppose that I will do that when the COVID crisis subsides.
That’s how I’m going to make ends meet. But here’s the thing - fundamentally, deep down, I am an ideas guy, or at least I like to think I am. I’ve always considered being a scholar or researcher as being intrinsically rewarding and fulfilling - far more so than most other occupations that I can imagine.
Now, academia is fundamentally stultified, corrupt, and inauthentic. I have some ideas of stuff it —might— be possible to get a MS degree in, maybe in computational genetics and psychiatric genetics, especially the genetics of schizophrenia in particular.
But I don’t know if I want to do that, quite frankly, for a number of reasons.
I just ordered a book off Amazon called My Mysterious Son, by some author whose name I can’t remember, and this book talks about the connection between schizophrenia and shamanism. I am interested in exploring the connection between schizophrenia and the spiritual world. Reading this book will be a good start. Like a good scholar, I have to have the discipline to go through many tomes like this, spending long evenings poring over books of this kind.
All else aside, I truly feel sad for people who do not believe in a spiritual world or God or Transcendence or whatever word you have for this reality. It exists, I am quite certain of it. The fundamental tragedy of Western society is that it is so materialistic and even atheistic, and so the people who I would argue have the most to benefit from a strong spiritual ethos - people on the sz spectrum - are fundamentally disenfranchised by the way science is taught in school and college and what people are told regarding religious beliefs.
So I want to explore the evolutionary origins of sz (here is where my knowledge of genetics may come in handy), the spiritual gifts that people with sz have, and what we can do to nourish these gifts.
In the end, all our mortal efforts and strivings are worthless rags in the eyes of God. I believe that, and I also believe that whatever may come of this project I have in mind, in the end the thing that matters most is that I be a good and loving person to those around me. But in the meantime, I need something to do. Every man has to engage in work of some kind, we all have to live by the sweat of our brow. In my case, my labors will be easy, as I will not be working the fields or manual labor. This little project of mine will require discipline, sustained effort, and the ability to seriously concentrate on a specific subject for a length of time. Even if this intention doesn’t come into fruition, it’s okay, as a Scottish poet once said: “The best laid plans of mice and men/ Gang oft agley.” What will be, will be. C’est la vie. To quote Shakespeare, “Tis all one.”
On another note, I’m glad to be a part of this forum. My name is Charlie, and I look forward to interacting with all of you. I am a person in long-term recovery from schizoaffective disorder; I have had a difficult life, but in spite of that I am 31 years old and feel young at heart and that the world is my oyster. Recovery is possible. Stay strong, never quit.
