Is this a delusion? Feeling 'special'

I am just wondering if what I am experiencing sounds like a delusion. I have had it recurring in times of illness. I don’t know if it is a delusion of grandeur, but every time I am ill, I feel like I am ‘special’ because of my sz, that I am proud to have it and it makes me even better off than normal people. Its like I don’t want to get better and be normal, because then I will lose my special status. Like I want everybody to know I am mentally ill, because it is such a special status and I want to be admired.

I know when I was in remission a few years ago that I didn’t have this, because I wanted to get better, but now I am stuck in it again, proud to have a mental illness and not wanting it to go away. It is embarrassing talking about this, because it sounds absurd, but that’s how I feel and I can’t seem to shake it off. its like every time I am sick, I am happy because I am special, and if I land up in hospital, then I revel in it, I get very happy because now I can show how special I am to others. At the same time the voices tell me I am a liar and a hypocrite because of this so-called delusion. Its confusing! What is going on do you think? I feel so ashamed of it!

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I’ve had a long standing idea about schizophrenia being a “disease of vanity”. I won’t get into it now as it would take a lot of thought and organization to really convey what I mean and I’m feeling lazy right now. The general gist is that everything about the illness is centered around the person who’s ill.

On another note, being “special” is a huge thing these days. We tell children they’re special so much it’s like drumming it into their heads. In reality, are any of use really “special”?

Personally, I’ve felt that same sense of being “special” when ill.

I think this is how my son sometimes feels. I can only say that having sz is only part of what makes you special. I can say that I think your brain is producing a lot of dopamine right now and dopamine makes you feel good. That is what it is supposed to do. However too much of it can change how things are perceived. Just my thoughts :smile:

I don’t know if it’s a delusion. My guess is not… because your not imaging that your something your not.

Sometimes, I do feel this exact same way. There are days where I’m proud of my special status too. I’m glad my meds work and I can begin to think in a straight line. I’m glad therapy works and I can get over my paranoia and panic.

But… I don’t say this often, but there are some times here and there that I’m Ok with who I am and even though I get very upset with the “us” and “normals” attitude,… there are days I see people out and about… doing what they do and I think… “Well at least I’m not like that.”

I can understand the conflict too… we want to over come this illness… not wrap ourselves in it. We want the complications and the stigma to go away… not keep it closer. So the few moments that I might feel OK with having this head circus… would fly in the face of reason and that agitates the logic.

That might be why your voices are beating you up.

I’d say, be proud of the fact that despite this illness… you are still writing a book, you have a husband you love, you can still get through your day, and drive and maintain your life…

And when the voices beat you up, let your husband know… and it’s hard I know, but let your self be proud of what you have achieved.

This sounds a lot like how I feel sometimes. I have voices telling me that I’m lying about my symptoms, that I’m making it all up to get attention and it’s hard not to believe them. I do feel special in some way, definitely different, maybe it’s because I experience things other people don’t.

Yes, it’s very confusing. Who do you believe? It’s hard to get well when you’re not even sure that you’re sick. I can relate to the shame, but I think it’s part of the illness or maybe it’s just a natural reaction. I’m really battling with myself right now, because I don’t know who I would be without sz.

Something about paranoia - you must be pretty special if people are out to get you. Your feelings of being special could be compensation for feelings of insignificance.

I think I’ve always felt special. I’ve always been a little different and don’t remembering ever thinking that was a bad thing or ever wishing I was any other way.

I don’t regret at all having experienced my illness and while I’m grateful to be well along on my path of recovery and no longer normally experiencing psychosis I still identify with having a mental illness and don’t wish to ever cease identifying as such. Especially as I’ve found a that the little community of us mentally ill folks at my clubhouse is the most welcoming and comfortable place I’ve ever walked in the door and is full of for the most part some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met.

So yeah in some ways I’m very proud to be one of them and don’t wish to cease identifying with those who are either currently suffering from or are in recovery from mental illness.

But there’s a limit to how “special” we should be feeling as what I’ve noticed and what we at my clubhouse often say is that when one walks in the door it’s very difficult to tell who exactly is mentally ill and who exactly is staff. We ARE just like anybody else. In most of our cases we WERE in fact anybody else before our onset. Mental illness shouldn’t make us feel singled out as fundamentally different than the rest of society. But I also don’t think it should be on the other hand something to feel shameful about…

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I don’t want to derail the thread, but I just wanted to say that I really like your posts. You write very well with compassion, knowledge and good insight.

Or maybe you just want to tell others that your illness cannot stop you from achieving your goals. You are still a great person in many ways.


Ah shucks…

As Eor (the donkey from Whinny the Pooh) would say “thanks for noticing me”

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