I am just wondering if what I am experiencing sounds like a delusion. I have had it recurring in times of illness. I don’t know if it is a delusion of grandeur, but every time I am ill, I feel like I am ‘special’ because of my sz, that I am proud to have it and it makes me even better off than normal people. Its like I don’t want to get better and be normal, because then I will lose my special status. Like I want everybody to know I am mentally ill, because it is such a special status and I want to be admired.
I know when I was in remission a few years ago that I didn’t have this, because I wanted to get better, but now I am stuck in it again, proud to have a mental illness and not wanting it to go away. It is embarrassing talking about this, because it sounds absurd, but that’s how I feel and I can’t seem to shake it off. its like every time I am sick, I am happy because I am special, and if I land up in hospital, then I revel in it, I get very happy because now I can show how special I am to others. At the same time the voices tell me I am a liar and a hypocrite because of this so-called delusion. Its confusing! What is going on do you think? I feel so ashamed of it!