Mine: Hey there girl, I don’t want kids. I have unusual beliefs because I have schizophrenia. Here are my unusual beliefs: blah blah blah. I’m terrified of the long term future. My unusual beliefs are important to me because they’re true.
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Hi, I’m a woman, I want kids.
Really, I’m still a kid myself.
I won’t carry you though.
You won’t?
No.
You seem strong.
I’ve been taking vitamin D and drinking herbal vitamins all year. I’m ready for a baby.
I want you to be my baby.
And who’s thumb do you want me to suck?
Mine.
Do you have a problem with me?
No, I have a problem with me.
I think you’re trying to argue with me.
I might defend my straight position, but not in a pretzel please.
Well, the only solution is kiss and make up.
Sounds good. I’ve got the rubbers.
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I know when I talk I speak to spirits no game.
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Me to my work director:
"Please let me stay in this current team. I’m doing so much better since starting in this team.
The support I have from my colleagues is really encouraging for my recovery in schizophrenia.
I haven’t had a ‘hallucination’ or new ‘delusion’ that has frightened me since starting.
In fact the only ‘hallucination’ I have had at work, I was able to sooth myself and reassure myself that is wasn’t going to hurt me.
Please don’t make me go back to the old team with that ass Thomas, it will really set me back and likely the stress will cause more breakthrough symptoms or a full relapse of my schizophrenia.
I’m contributing so much more and feel so much more confident in my work in this team. Please let me be happy to come to work."
Director to me:
“Ok B, you got it!”
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Man: hi, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the time you slipped out of my life
Me: I think about you all the time too
Man: let me take you away from your life, I’ll make you so happy
Me: I’m all yours
Kiss, kiss, kiss
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Me: Thank you for this check of 12 billion dollars
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Hello,
I know I may have walked away from you maybe twice, entrusted with who knows what, but when it came to purging the earth of homosexuality and making all follow the way of old testament wrath I couldn’t live with that. And so I turned away. Perhapse I am mistken and these are visions brought on by the multiple times my own mind broke due to overload. But if not, I still wish to commune with you, not believing this is the only way of communing with the devine as my past life memories include spirit communicay, envisioning mandalas in the sky resplendant with voices who’s words have been backed up in my life by living and unwilling hosts of those messages.
I believe in the reality of many if not all spiritual realms of human belief. But the wiping out of (a holocaust) a significant percentage of humanity I could not be on board with whatever we had in that field circa 1996 or whatever. If this was you’re will then I reject you’re will and am willing to undergo what torture I am currently enduring. But I still envoke you’re name in hope that you may communicate in the way we once did.
In other news, I did not bring down the world trade center, my name is not Alexander, I believe this goes back to a influenced past life beliefe that I was Alexander the Great by another unnamed musician. Put me in a boxcar who’s train is struck by lightning circa (my life has been a lie I couldn’t remember) 1996 and all of a sudden I’m Alexander struck by Lightning, blue lightning ball, train came to a screatching halt (why aren’t I in 8th grade up northeast?) when I hear what you are I hear the word “voicehearer” so I figure since what I’ve been able to put together this may have been for lack of a better word “voicehearer” humor.
This is no joke. I’d been tortured by two men ho made their living manufacturing MDMA of (excstacy) and abducting street girls and forcing suburnban boys to rape and kill them in adition to teaching them how to buy and sell drugs, steal cars etc. I was no criminal, in fact I wouldn’t let alone kill somone, rape somone no matter how much pain was inflicted upon me, and rape became in this case insert a glowing hot steel rebar or have one inserted. Now in my clarity and hindsight I know I refused, I couldn’t, even to the point where I was strung up and she was hollering for me to just do it to her…I would not.
Pdoc…Pdoc…Pdoc…buddy buddies with these guys,. Chemicals, make you stupid temporarily, dumb you down but more importantly fracture you’re mind and make you forget. Jumped from the back of a van at machine gun point onto the hood of a pursuing police car, took my father all he could (he always could) muster to keep it out of the media, dosed on ten times the dose of the average raver’s take of mdma and next thing I know I’m in the office of Mr. G (pyshiatrist hannibal fucking lectar) cop who brings me there after questioning breaks down has a melt down nearly drawing his gun against the Pdoc’s own pistol. Know’s what their going to do, this guy’s buddy buddies with these killer, child rapist drug chemists who claim to be special forces cia informants.
Libya…something there…something of value…something worht noting…a connection.
I myself as much as my life as been an unwitting lie, I believe in the basis of western civilization, the basis of democracy, human rights and the legal basis of things like the US constitution (which I know allowed people to give each other lobotomies before the soviet freaking union outlawed the practice) I believe in freedom tempered by justice in a liberal manner, I am not a terrorist (if by the odd chance I once suffered from trauama induced dissociative identity dissorder) I was merely 13/14 driven by a seemingly unstoppable force which merely was the feeling of wanting justice brought upon the killers and rapists infrigning on northern new england. There was once, when stopped in chicago, during which most probably was a dissoiative (marked by genuise) episode where I was encouraged to take Thoraizne in my tea which I( di and had the only being brought back to who I was moment of that entire trip. All I’m saying, yes I was vengeful, yes I was ‘out of self’ but all it took was a dose of thorazine to bring me backj to my recognized senses…and what the hell was the…(redacted out of respect and I think probably love)
Look elsewhere. I seek only to live in peace.
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“Please pass the peanut butter”.
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How did you come here?
Sarad: oh my God is that you?
prince: yes I’m here and I’m taking you with me
sarad: where are we going?
Prince: where ever you want
Sarad: I want LA.
prince: LA we come
Sarad: but wait, I have a kid.
Prince: we’ll take him to Disneyland and call him Jim.
Sarad: but what about your evil ex girlfriend who turns out to be your best male friend from childhood?
Prince: I poisoned him after I found out he banged my sister
Sarad: OK let’s go.
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Doctor: The cure exists, it’s hidden under a brick on the eiffel tower of Iceland
Me: I shall find it!
(after a long adventure, because sightseeing)
Me: I found it! It’s an injectible! My last injection! I’m so happy!
Doctor: Not so fast, first you need to find the glowing pink nurse to administer it to you, she’s on the top of the Pyramid of Giza waiting for you.
(after long months, I went by camel)
Me: I found her! She’s here! take her out of my pocket
Doctor: Now we just need Alice’s elixir of growth!
Me: I will get it!
(down the rabbit hole I go, get the thing, climb back on, give a few drops of the elixir, the nurse is now a giant)
Doctor: Finally, now take the elixir yourself.
(I take it, now I’m a giant too, she gives me an injection, I previously have stolen a shrinking mushroom, I take it, I’m not an inch shorter but that’s okay because I’m cured)
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I’m walking down a street in a very affluent area. I often walk down this street because the huge gardens and trees here are awesome and the trees are full of birds chirping. As I walk past one house, a frantic looking man is standing in a driveway outside a particularly stunning huge house. He steps forward onto the street as I walk by.
Man on street: Here, you can have this house. Just sign here, pay me £1 for it, I have the receipt already made out, just need your name to put on it.
Me: What? You are joking right? You actually giving away this enormous amazing house here for £1? Is this for real?
Man: I’m not letting that bitch have it. Her lawyer says she can have it and she intends to fight for it. My grandparents lived here. My parents lived here. I grew up here. We raised our kids here, I’ve never lived anywhere else. Now she is divorcing me and to make matters 10 times worse, she intends to take my house from me too. I’ll not let that happen. I’ll burn it down first. I’d rather give it to a complete stranger. I’ve dated these papers for 3 days ago because I have to have sold the house before I got notification that she intends to fight to have it.
Me: You actually mean it? Really really truly?
Man:If you don’t want it I’ll give it to the next person that walks past. I gave my Lamborghini away a few hours ago. She wanted to have that too. Do you want the house or not?
Me: OMG! Yes! Definitely. I’ll take it. OMG! I can’t believe this. Where must I sign?
Man: OK, here is where you fill in your full name. Here is where you fill it in again, and then on the last page. You also need to initial every page. Here is the place for your contact address which you also need to fill in. My buddy is a lawyer and he drew up these papers for me this morning. Here is his phone number on this card. You have to swear you bought it for £1 from me 3 days ago, that’s all you need to do. We each keep a copy, so you have to fill in and sign both copies.
Me: I’m in shock. I’m absolutely delighted. Thrilled to bits. This is the bast day ever. Thank you so very, very, very much.
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This is a good thread but I have poverty of ideas at the moment. 
I am talking to teddy bear and we have a party
Me: hello teddybear i see you are bored
T : I have this beliefs life is not interesting to me
ME : maybe you want to kill that belief it’s not making you happy
T: yes but how ?
ME: Maybe this belief that life is not interesting tells you to ■■■■ up ?
T: Yes I PUT LONG HEADPHONES WITH MUSIC THAT LIFE IS FASCINATING
This thread should win an award @everhopeful it has been the most entertaining thread I have been able to read!
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Hi I’m Jon, I’m a licensed clinical social worker, I used to be just like you, and look at me now. I have a beautiful loving wife, I’m 20 years sober, and fully recovered from sz.
Patient: you’re my idol! Guide me along the path of life
Me: okay it wasn’t always easy in my time, there used to be turmoil in our world, but it’s amazing, we have found world peace
Patient: peace is my middle name! Although I am not at peace with myself, thanks to your expert guidance maybe I will be one day. But I’m happy the worlds wars are over. I’m grateful for that at least!!
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I know my thoughts are disarranged and I speak gibberish half the time, thank you for staying.
Hmmm.And the plot thickens. What happens next?
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Well according to rumours, they indeed went to LA and got married in one of those LA chapels. But Sarad fell in love with the priest who did the ceremony and later on run away with him.
He is now her personal manager. Her career is on rise and she started working on her Memoirs.
The unlucky prince became gay.
Gods will be done.