Yes definitely, and while I’m still devoted to my religion, it does make OCD and schizophrenia hard. When I was in eighth grade I had no idea just how bad my delusional thoughts were.
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I’ve had more derealization than depersonalization. I barely notice anything anymore. I used to ‘zone out’ or ‘detach’ especially while growing up.
Early on, I felt like I had something else besides schizophrenia because I denied any hallucinations. Things have changed over the years, of course.
I hated dissociation. It felt worse than schizophrenia for the longest time.
Now, it feels like my mind is dissociated, not my reality.
I even had jamais vu and some deja vu in the past.
My memories seem unreal or disorganized.
I think my psyche or mind is fragmented now which is what happens in schizophrenia – I think.
I’m not a moron. I still think I’m smart.
My family wants me on the medication because in the past I’ve had anger issues or aggression. APs relax and calm me and make me peaceful to be around. I guess they have a hard time dealing with my personality or emotions and behavior.
A few years ago, I started hallucinating things while sleeping and dreaming. I could not distinguish reality from my dreams and they mixed in or blended in. Sort of like reality vs fiction.
I thought it was aliens or OBE, astral projection, or lucid dreams or something that was real like the Illuminati.
I grew up Christian, became an Atheist, and tried going back to religion…
I have a hard time recalling my past and my memories seem unreal or false even.
I’ve had paranoia before.
My parents don’t like me ‘bringing up the past’ which I did a lot. Like past arguments, conversations, or w/e. I guess it is like a sunk cost in accounting. One cannot change the past.
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I hope you feel better soon but religion can make schizophrenia worse.
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Maybe to some people, but religion and the blessings that come that, is insurmountable. I’d rather have some religion than not at and not schizophrenic. By the way, happy birthday.
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Well, I also lose control in the sense that you could say that it is possession if you want to.
Out of all the things that go with this illness, I haven’t figured this part out. Like it only happens now while panic attacks, but it used to happen all the time when I wasn’t medicated and psychotic.
I think this is less understood. What the psychiatrists think is that the person wants to do those things but is delusional and thinks that some external force is making him do it. My experience is that the will can be manipulated by the brain somehow, I don’t know how, why, etc but like the brain can make you do things you don’t really want to do.
Do you still experience this phenomenon?
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Yeah its definitely odd for sure. I still experience it.
I think maybe its a couple factors like,
perception and senses being distorted
Thoughts related to the distortions
Drawing conclusion it must be an external force thats doing it.
Something like that.
Its kinda like having a delusion could bring on some hallucinations or it could be the other way around.
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I have severe dissociation. I get dissociative episodes. they start during the day and last untill I go to sleep. sleeping usually makes it go away, the next day I feel normal.
it starts when I must start watching up. my eyes turn upwards, that is what tells me it’s going to start. I look at the treetops. or the ceiling.
then it gets worse. I am forgetful, I lose time, I am confused, I get distracted, I’m not present it’s like my mind is somewhere really far away and my body is left alone to cope. usually I try to stay at home during these episodes, but it often comes when I’m NOT home and it makes everything so so hard. sometimes I’ve found myself in the supermarket, standing between the aisles, just standing there for minutes and minutes and I do not know what I am doing there. it’s like my body is in emergency mode and my mind and personality and my self has left my body… it is pretty horrible and I suffer of these episodes very greatly.
it happens 1-2 times a week.
at the beginning it was 3-4 times a week. that was brutal
I have no idea what to do when I get into the episode. I just suffer and try my best to act normal. my spouse doesn’t know about my episodes, I never tell him. he often asks me “why are you so weird” and I can’t answer
I am used to these episodes. it has been going on since 2017.
but I HATE THEM and I wish I could stop them.
I feel so ashamed when this episode happens, I am just mortified… that I am such a weird person who can’t even be a normal person.
I wish I could get help. my psychiatrist says it’s how my schizophrenia manifests itself, but I have never heard anyone have this kind of episodes. I feel it has something to do with trauma, I have plenty of that.
phew. I just want these episodes to stop.
but they won’t.
I hate them.
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I am glad I mostly don’t experience it now.
Only when I get panic attacks.
The reason I didn’t take medication for the first 6 years of my illness was because I thought the voices were telepathy. This was because the voices were controlling me, like a robot. So, I couldn’t rationalize that the voices were psychosis because of control. I thought because it was control, it must be something external. And, it follows a narrative, like a movie scene unfolding, so it is hard to imagine it is the brain that it is doing it. Hence, I didn’t take medication (and the doctors for six years didn’t know I had voices, they thought my diagnosis was bipolar because I went out for three nights), and to be honest, when I still experience it during panic attacks, I lose insight because in the moment I can’t understand how this could not be something external controlling me against my will.
So, how do you cope with it? Any strategies that worked for you?
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Well, your experience pretty much describes how I feel about my panic attacks. They have taken something from me, and given me permanent fear. When I try to socialize, go to the gym, etc…I have fear that the panic attack may happen. It has kind of scarred me, and I prefer to be at home when it happens. It is like psychosis grips me in those moments, and makes me do things I wouldn’t want to otherwise. I dread them, but they are receding gradually, and I hope they go away completely.
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I have thought that my epsiodes are like panic attacks but with dissociation/depersonalition/derealization.
I wish to get any help but I think it’s not going to happen… I have been suffering of these for so long and it just is as bad every time.
I hope you get help for your panic attacks. I really feel the fear of it happening somewhere where I do not feel safe. it sucks big time. it has limited my life to some extent, I am scared it will happen and sometimes don’t want to go out because of it. I just feel very alone, as I have never heard of anybody else getting episodes like this happen to them.
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sometimes I feel very sad to know that this kind of severe dissociation is caused by some serious trauma. I have pretty much no memories of my childhood. I just feel very damaged.
ok now I will try to think something else because I just feel like crap.
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