I got diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in 1980 at age 19. My parents put me in my first psyche ward for two weeks then I moved into a group home. It seemed like a lot happened there but it was mostly in my head. I suffered, I felt like giving up constantly. But I had my parents total support. I was nothing special there, I was kind of a loner. I had no hope that i would get better, no sign that I would ever get better or recover.
I was there a year then my parents put me in a locked psychiatric hospital ( as many of you have heard me talk about a hundred times). I was thrown in the middle of a hundred other mentally people. More suffering, it looked like I had no future. I spent 8 months there. I survived.
From there I moved into a nice group home and I attended their vocational program. After a series of small steps the counselors at the vocational program got me a job. I don’t know why they picked me for it. I didn’t volunteer I didn’t feel like I stood out or I was anything but ordinary. But they must have seen something in me and they chose me out of the other 15 clients. I stayed there for four years, through depression, psychosis, drug addiction.
A few other clients were working at different jobs too. But now I’ve worked most of the last 30 years. I enrolled myself in school one day and attended college, taking two classes at a time. I got side-tracked by a crack addiction but later kicked it in 1990. It’s weird. Its weird that I’ve done what I’ve done. Most everybody on here sound like normal people who happen to have schizophrenia.
Nice people, for the most part, but if we were in the hospital or a group home, I would be an outsider to you. I was not a well-adjusted kid. I had few friends growing up, no girlfriend, I didn’t belong to any group or clique. I didn’t talk to anyone. I have my accomplishments but I never fit into the main crowd anywhere. It’s nice to know you guys on here but I’m different.
Maybe that’s why I succeeded. Maybe I had nothing else going for me so I over-compensated and worked, went to school, lived independently, drove a car. I know a lot of you do some of these things too. But I have no personal power. I’m not better than anyone, in fact I’m worse. The ultimate outsider. But yeah, in the beginning of my disease I was in all of your shoes and I didn’t stand out. I was thrown into group homes and hospitals with no end in sight. But my family gives me unwavering support. I have had a couple friends and that’s all I need. I feel lucky to have found this sight, where I get positive responses and there’s a place for me.