I believe my illness to be. literally a dis-ease, in the religious sense of the word! Here is a practical exorcise for all, "try to follow, while recalling the sequence of your thoughts, from start to finish, while remaining a “silent observer”. Question, can you distinguish yourself from your very own thoughts? Fr. XO
i define my illness as a preprogrammed response to pain induced hypnotic triggers. none of this would have happened if i wasn’t raped by some one famous and tortured to forget about it. responding to hypnotic triggers made me “ill” and not an organic disease.
I define myself as “me.” I am the accumulation of all my life’s experience so far, subject to change without notice. Just because I don’t fit well in others predefined cubbyhole of what I should think, feel and see, gives me the outsiders label I suppose I deserve, but who wouldn’t be what I became if they were subject to the same events? Am I really that odd?
That probably isn’t how my prior Doctors have described me, but who is to say what is real. They have only known me for the past 17 years (many, not one by any means) and I have been with myself since the begining.
Don’t matter who is right, does it?
I guess you can say it makes me original. I like who I am. Sometimes unsure of myself but always wanting to be accepted as me. I like being me. I don’t tell people about it. I don’t trust them. Some people like to stereo type. I am not one to stereo type. I believe in giving everyone a chance to be them. Just be true to yourself.
I do not distinguish myself from my thoughts. A doctor asked me the same question once. Told him I am my thoughts. Whether or not that makes me interesting is besides the point, I’m probably quite a bore. Right now, I am thinking I have an interview tomorrow and my son gave me his cold and I’m quite ill and what can i do to not sneeze blow my nose and cough while I am there. Have a good day, desimb
madness in an easy to swallow pill , slightly sugar coated with chronic depression .
Two feet stuck in the no man’s land between neurosis and psychosis-ever fearful of crossing over to the worst side.
Are we good judges of our own sanity?
I used to refer to it as a metamorphosis and then switched to calling a curse.
I used to treat my thoughts as separate beings from myself. They manifested into voices and it turned into a nightmare. It wasn’t until my therapist helped me out that I realized that these voices were my thoughts. Or at least I think that’s correct. My hallucinations died down after that revelation sure enough. But every now and again I hear and see them again.
It is difficult to define or even describe my illness. I know my symptoms well when I have insight. Its just difficult for me to concretely define my illness. I know what I go through - anxiety - paranoia - delusions - hallucinations - mania - mixed episodes - depression - mixed states. There is a large mood component to my illness, probably more so than most people diagnosed with a schizoaffective label. I usually have to be on 2 mood stabilizers. But it seems that the schizophrenic component to my illness is always there, more chronic like my depression
I refer to what I have as a disease that takes over my health, reality and over whelms me with depression. I feel that my brain is broken but can be fixed.
LSD and cocaine in my blood all the time. That’s what my case was like. I was super jittery, hyper-vigilant and hallucinating constantly. I could hardly sleep. I would box until my knuckles were bloody (with gloves and wraps on) and run and lift weights until I could hardly move, and I still couldnt sleep well. I found myself chain smoking or dipping wads of tobacco and drinking bottles of liquor every night.
Now I found meds that really work and I am an amateur powerlifter and I made all A’s last semester. Medication has been miracle pills for me. I wish it was like that for everyone. Now I am rather sedated and drink caffeine to keep from napping in the middle of the day. And about the powerlifting- you can buy “pre-workout powders” at vitamin shops that you mix with water, and they are basically powerful stimulant blends. I require them to workout, and I still sleep fine and get tired after working out.
But before my success with medications, I defined it as being betrayed by my own brain and having a mind that is disconnected from the brain. I can see why they call it schizophrenia- it means “split mind” in German if I am not mistaken. My brain wanted me to see the world as a waking nightmare, and my mind did its best to resist, but didnt hold out very long. I could sit through class for a couple days a week but it took willpower to keep my ■■■■ together while sitting in desk, hallucinating and getting distracted from the reality in front of me. Once I was out of class, I exercised like a madman and then drank and used tobacco heavily.
But that’s all behind me. My life is sane and grounded in reason now. I just take my meds on time and everything else falls into place.