I have noticed that I start checking if my posts in this forum got any likes. At the beginning, as a new user, I even didn’t know this system of likes existed, so I just posted sth, read comments if there were any and that’s it. Now I started to check if anybody likes my comment if in seeking of approval of my way of thinking… why do I keep doing this? Permanent approval seeker, this is what I am…I hate that in myself. Still I am not afraid to speak my mind, but either real or online world, if not receiving feedback that there is someone who agrees with me or at least respects what I say then I feel bad. It’s miserable! How to become an independent minded person who doesn’t measure self-worth by sb’s approval?! My partner always says: "you think too much… " but how to stop…
Lol! I think exactly the same thing, I don’t really care but I care. Terrible like culture
So there you go another like in your collection
And thank you for your likes guys, I feel like a proper human being now
I’m dependent that way too. Someone’s disapproval can ruin my day. Why I give them the power is my own low self esteem.
Psychologists say it’s the lack of total acceptance in the childhood. Maybe it’s true. I was very often criticized as a kid, trying to do better but never it was enough… but it’s unbearable that as an adult I can’t change this primary wiring in my brain and become a person I want to be… it’s frustrating… but I don’t give up. I have changed a lot in my behaviour I didn’t like so maybe that feature I will change as well with some persistent practice…
It’s because, even though we are adults, we still need people and have to work to avoid rejection sometimes.
A like or a dislike could mean absolutely anything, so it’s all a bit silly. YouTube videos seem to show this the most, like if someone uploads something that is informative, but the subject matter is sensitive, a lot of people will downvote it lol. Even if it was important and accurate information. It’s all pretty ridiculous. I used to get mad years ago when I had a facebook and people wouldn’t “like” things that were important topics, but would “like” things like someone’s photo of their lunch. I mean wtf lol. But eventually I just started seeing it as silly and stopped paying it any mind.
Can you manage to do the same in real life? Like when having a discussion and nobody supports what you are saying but all of them are in opposition. It makes me feel sh… the way I am though, cause I am not “people pleaser”, it happens quite a lot. What to do to not care? Any tips? The tip you gave with “like culture” is very reasonable and honestly helped me… what about real life then?
Who doesn’t love it when their notification marker lights up!!?
How in touch are you with your anger? Anger is the corresponding emotion with the “fight” response in the fight/flight/freeze survival mechanism. Anger is meant to motivate us to challenge and conquer threats, and also give us oomph and confidence when facing threats. In my perception. But anger doesn’t always have to be some wild, roaring thing. Sometimes the “fight” mechanism is much more subtle and tame, and can be as simple as holding your ground, even when others are trying to invalidate you. In my observations, people who are afraid or ashamed of their own anger, a natural emotion and mechanism in life, often lack that “oomph” when disagreeing with others, and are more likely to go with the “freeze” or submission response, i.e. “if I just seem completely harmless and agreeable, predators will lose interest and leave me alone.” But the anger is still there, it still exists, it’s still apart of us, so then these same people often wind up angry at themselves for not standing up for themselves, or needing other people’s approval. Of course this all just my personal theory and is only one of many possible explanations, but I think many people would be surprised at what else resolves once they have learned to be in touch with their own anger, instead of fearing it and trying to suppress it completely.
I totally agree with that. I used to be that person, afraid to speak up, feeling miserable, depressed, worse that others all the time. But with hard work I have changed. I am open now, assertive, recently even heard “overconfident” (lol, if only they knew the truth…). Living the sentence “fake it till you make it” lol. but it is like my transformation hasn’tt completed yet. After standing for myself, being outspoken, I start to feel guilty and later when away from people and that situation ruminating over if what I did was wrong, if I offended anyone, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything etc. Don’t take me wrong, even when not agreeing with someone I am always respectful, I’m never rude. So I don’t understand where this guilt is coming from… maybe as just said: my transformation hasn’t completed yet, still “in progress”…
Were you shamed or punished for expressing anger when you were a kid? You say that you were often criticized as a kid. Were you emotionally abused? Have you ever felt the full force of anger towards the people who treated you that way when you were younger? Stood up to them in your own mind? If you relate to any of that, “inner child” therapy work might be helpful. Some of the material on that I felt was wonky, some of it I liked, had to browse and cherry pick what suited me, probably the same for many people.
Random page on the concept: http://www.heartsinharmonyhealing.com/healing-your-inner-child-wounds-of-unworthiness/
I personally intuitively felt that what my “inner child” needed was not a bunch of coddling and soothing (although there was time and place for that), but rather to be stood up for, to have the enemies asses kicked and to be to be defended, full-out. But I am sure everyone is different.
You are amazing @Turnip… your words so much speak to my inner self… I remember when I was once on the couching session somewhere during “women day” and couch said to “give a hug to your inner child”. I felt nothing. I saw others around me getting sad, even heard a few sobs and the only thing I felt was anger as if I wanted to kick that little kid in me instead of giving it a hug… I thought that there is sth wrong with me back then, that I am an insensitive bi… but it all makes sense. The anger, immediate satisfaction and happiness followed quickly by guilt, the hatred towards myself after every single time I have stood up for what I believe in recently… that’s a revelation! Bring a champagne! If you were next to me I would give you a huge thank you kiss in a cheek maybe when I understand the process more, it will be easier to fight my stupid behaviour. I will definitely make a use of the link… you are awesome!!!
I am a people pleaser by nature, and likes are nice as we all need love, recognition and approval. But it’s a gamble to risk self esteem on them.
I like you, @Gir!
That’s the balance I am aiming to achieve…
15 in a row
Me too @Lara. I think many caring, feeling people aim to do the same. You’re in good company!