I think this year , since 18-23 and counting has been the worst. Im hoping it gets better after 23!
Easiest was getting Straight A’s for my Associate’s Degree when I was in my early twenties and not sick yet, hardest was solitary confinement at age 31 for five months while I was very sick and hallucinating constantly. Now I’m somewhere in the middle.
Well, the eighties were all about hospitals, group homes, drug addiction and hardships from intense symptoms. This was from about age 18 to 29. I had become stable for a few years but the last two years of the 80’s was a bad relapse. But I got clean.
And then I moved into a board & care home for five years. From age 30-35 were my most productive years while I was in the board & care home. I worked and went to school and had a friend and attended AA, CA, and NA meetings, eventually taking the bus to 5 or 6 meetings a week. I did a lot of fun things and I was very social and took the bus everywhere.
Things weren’t perfectly easy but compared to earlier years with psychosis, those 5 years were pretty good. I moved out of that place and rented a room in my sisters condo. I was 36 and I had my trials and tribulations but it was a good situation when I lived there, it was a lot of fun and freedom.
This past decade was hard but I still did cool things. I’m 58 but it’s like I am seeing he world in a whole new light. I feel more alive than in the past, I like people more, and my symptoms are way down and I get peace of mind more and more often. The trade-off is that I get to enjoy life more but it’s also very scary, and hard. I have so many days that I entertain the idea of giving up, and yes, I also feel hopeless sometimes But I have so many bad mornings only to have things get better once I am out and about.
I have too many of these days to give up. And I should add that I have good mornings too.
I guess hard is all relative. Once I got past the solid psychosis in the eighties, the nineties turned out OK. On my bad days, good things still happened. On my good days, bad stuff still happened. IDK. I can’t figure life out, go ask my case manager and my new hot therapist.
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Having voices,moanes,gunshots and screams and delusions etc was agonising and I felt tortured but atleast I had good food and love even though I didn’t feel loved but my most painful time may have been when I was living alone with my mum and she kept saying I ruined her life and she wished I was never born and I wasn’t aloud to speak of the woman in Australia I said I missed.
I didn’t have friends that period and was almost always hungry and had worms.
My mum tried to drown me in the bathtub and I was bullied and cried why does no one love me.
I had apathy.
I felt hopelessness.
I had no hope, no dreams .
Every step felt too heavy, too painful, too difficult and overwhelming.
No one cared and no one understood me.
I was about ten I think or eleven.
After that I was a push over.
Always have been.
Like I was in invisible restraints and lead.
I was really humiliated and suppressed .
I was bullied .
When I had voices they said I’m ugly inside and out and I’m not aloud to leave the apartment because I’m too ugly to be seen and someone might see me and see how ugly I am.
The last few years have probably been the best of my life.
I don’t have friends as such but believe I do in spirit.
I’m not bullied anymore.
I know who I am and love who I am.
I have my sacred neigh.
I volunteer a few hours week.
I have family although some of them are a bit bad I have to learn to stand my ground and not be such a pushover anymore.
My worst years may have been when I was a baby unable to defend myself or take care of myself.
Around the age of ten or eleven was just so awful.hopelessness and overwhelming and feeling that truly nobody loves me.
And then when I had voices etc was really bad too but at least I didn’t have anyone’s forsing me to do things I could t do like go to school or walk or do things …
My mum probably suffered a lot then too single mother and poor and the love of her life left her because of me but she did not and does not understand how deeply I suffered then.
In fact her and her x husband al and used to ridicule and mock my pain and it is a very cruel thing to do.
It’s not acceptable or ok for them to have treated me that way.
But I can find it funny years later .
She was mocking someone and I laughed but it wasn’t torture psychologically like it was to me but still made me laugh.
Yeah I think these last years have been my best because I am not bullied, I know who I am , I have my sacred neigh, I feel loved 
(even though I don’t have friends as such )(I believe I do in spirit).i nolonger year voices, I’m not psychotic nor depressed.im stable and have some activities.i have hope.etc
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That said I had happy moments with Anders were some of my happiest moments swimming with him and riding bike with him etc
I felt so loved by him in a way I had never felt loved and cared for usually.
He gave me great cuddles.
We never had extatic sex but we had great extatic cuddles and care and shared laughter.he was like my best friend and although he hasn’t replied to my email I still concider him to be one of my closest.
I had lovely moments with my best friend I had Julie .i was a bad friend but I was really messed up.
I had great extatic lovemaking sex with my x boyfriend in Sweden who was my neighbor.it made me cry and our hearts clicked.
But during that time period I was also psychotic and suffered a lot so I can’t say they were my best years because I was in agony but had some heavenly moments not like when I was a young child and it was hopeless overwhelming etc in same way.
But the last few years have been my best in a way as such because I have been stable.j take medication and I do g have apathy and am not psychotic and have my sacred neigh and hope etc
Just wanted to add that because I have had some of the most precious moments with loved ones and I appreciate those moments.
Hope Anders will write back to me.
I see him as my friend and one of my closest.
But he doesn’t keep in touch but he did say thank you for his birthday greeting a few months ago.something is something.
I had lovely moments with my x boyfriend and his dogs I adore them all.
Adore them.
I have another loved one who says I’m his best friend and loved ones.
I don’t know.
I was abused at home from 3-8 years.
Then, I was abused at school from 8-12 years.
I was bullied in Canadian schools and churches from 12- 18 years until I left that and joined a Catholic church.
18-21: Schizophrenia
21-23: MD, non-epileptic seizures, loss of mobility, regained it but loss of muscles, etc. Diagnosed with a ■■■■■■■ rare disease. The family refuses to recognize my disability. My mom never thanked me when I gave UP MY EDUCATION FOR MY BROTHER
No, life is hard.
And I hate my life I hate my existence and I hate what I DO TO PEOPLE AND I HATE MYSELF AND EVERYTHING I HATE MY LIFE
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