Conflicted

Ok. Seeking advice. I am very tired of reaching out for help and repeatedly not receiving any. I’m just not seeing any benefit in it. I also don’t like repeating myself and don’t really like having to bring up my most intimate moments and feelings in a brusque, business-like fashion.

I also feel uneasy over hiding all of these things. What if my parents find out? I feel like they will eventually. I don’t want to have to tell them how I’m doing. My mom doesn’t need to deal with my mess on top of everything else, and they will just try to talk me out of it all again. So I’m making a pro and con list for myself, and if anyone wants to add on feel free…

Cons: -No guarantee the next person I see will be able to help me, what if I end up spilling personal things again only to have it not work out?
-This is a big thing to hide from parents
-Repeatedly calling people and going to new places gives me anxiety. This is something that frustrates me. Everyone who tries to “help” gives me a list of phone numbers. I have no idea who is good and who is not. There is little info available on anyone online, and many don’t even have pictures. Then I have to deal with my anxiety by calling all these places. It overwhelms me.

Pros
-I really do need to be seeing someone regularly. I have been lucky in that I’ve been ok this week, but many weeks I am not ok and in a great deal of pain. Help gives me hope, and the last time I didn’t have hope of escaping the pain I was making plans to kill myself
-Medication could help make my anxiety bearable, which would hopefully remove my depression and make my psychotic symptoms more manageable

What do I do? My faith in the mental health field has been seriously shaken by all I’ve been through. If it worked like it should it’s something I feel I could benefit from greatly but it’s just been disappointment after disappointment. Should I just give up? It’s easy to consider now, when I’m doing ok…

To condense things; having second thoughts about continuing with treatment, what do?

If I learned anything in my 20 years of “getting help” it’s that no one, no matter how good they are, or arn’t is going to solve your problems in the way you believe they should.
In short, they are only there to help you help yourself.

Learn everything about yourself, what makes things better, and what don’t work for nothing.
Read, ask questions, try things, stop things if they make it worse.
You are the only one who can decide what is best, and always, always trust your instincts.

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Thanks…I just feel like none of it is worth it. I might go see this lady in May since I already scheduled an appointment and just drop it right away, unless I really like her right away or something.

Also I think she’s a psychotherapist and I’ve never done psychotherapy before…I’ll do that meeting and if I’m not feeling it I think I’m out for good.

I just have to learn to accept that I’m the best I have I guess. No one knows me more than me after all. I have this forum too.

It’s not all black or white either.
Maybe they are good at helping you, but you are just not in the right place yet to accept it.
Things happen (or not) when the time is right, things have to fit, to work.
Never give up on self improvement, because you are the one who benefits.
When things don’t seem to be working, there is nothing wrong with putting things on hold until something more apealing comes along.

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I admit the first couple times therapy failed for me it was my fault because I was not entirely honest. I shared small pieces of what I was going through and what bothered me but not much else, as I’m not used to sharing things and am incredibly sensitive to judgement. I ended up leaving because I didn’t find it helpful but it was my fault because I didn’t even talk about the things I really wanted to, then chickened out and left!

But this time it definitely wasn’t me who was in the wrong…I feel like I open up more each new time I start out so that’s good I guess. If nothing else my experiences have helped me become more open and less embarassed I guess.