Comparing crap NOW, to drug days back THEN

I went out tonight to run an errand, anything to get out of the house. I ended up at CVS pharmacy and my big purchase ended up being a bottle of Dr. Pepper. On the drive home it was a nice night but my problems with neighbors and work and other things kept butting into my mind even though I tried not to think of them. But then something triggered a bad memory of my drug addiction back in the late '80’s.

It just flashed on me about the era when I was doing cocaine,
smoking crack and drinking. And the time my dealer stole my car and wouldn’t give it back. He was basically holding it hostage until I gave him some crack. But to backtrack, he didn’t just come right out and tell me he had it. He told me some other guys had it but he can get it from them. Anyway, his whole story was ambiguous and he kept changing things.

I was going crazy because it wasn’t even really my car, it was my dads and he had lent it to me, and my dad was not rich so if someone stole his car it would be difficult to replace it. After a dozen phone calls back and forth between my dealer and me and just a pack of lies from him he finally said he could get my car for me for $60.00 but I would have to go on the bus to get there and it was about 8 miles away.

But I had no job and I was broke so I went house to house up and down my street in my neighborhood and knocked on doors and if someone answered I had made up some lie about how I had to pay someone so they wouldn’t tow my car. A small part of me thought this was cool but it mainly wasn’t and I promised people I would pay them back.

At that time in my life, I was addicted to crack, I was unemployed, I was having a relapse of my schizophrenia, I was always stressed, tired, hungry and my life was out of control. I lived in supported housing but I still saw my family but they all suspected I was on drugs because of the stupid things I was doing like going door to door asking strangers for money.

But I went up and down three streets to almost every house and I actually got about $60.00! Only one guy got mad at me and wanted to beat me up. I didn’t intend to tell this story so long, I just wanted to paint a picture of what a life as an addict was like for me. It was just bad experience after bad experience. I was hooked and right smack dab in the middle of an addicts life.

And this incident and a hundred more almost as bad or worse were just how my day to day life unfolded. The most effed up situations, being jerked around and the bull I went through to get my drugs.

The run-ins with police, going to the city where I got my drugs at any time of night, walking long distances for nothing, making 5 or 6 trips to the ATM in one night was typical; taking out $20.00 at a time, bouncing checks, borrowing money etc.

My life now is nothing like that. And I was in my car tonight feeling grateful. My life now is cked up in many, many ways. Right now I’m doing OK with money but my personal life, is on the rocks and often I feel like I’m going downhill. I feel like I am losing what I strived for decades and now that I finally accomplished it, it’s being taken away, partly because it’s my fault and partly being taken away by sadistic, low life neighbors. I

I am good at solving problems but on a typical day, I often write here, that good stuff still happens to me now matter how bad my life gets. And it’s true. One of you guys was joking on here about how I always talk about getting a smile from a woman and how happy it makes me. Well, to be honest, sometimes I would like a lot more :wink:. But just a smile is nice enough.

IDK. These are the best of times, these are the worst of times. I don’t know how my life will play out, I may lose everything in an ugly, uncool, lame way or maybe somehow things will work out alright and I’ll be cool and happy.

Just an epilogue to my car story: I got the $60.00, I made the hour long bus trip to get my car. I arrived, gave my dealer the money and was told that some other guy had the keys to start it. I walked 4 blocks to meet the guy, ended up in a library somehow, had an acute episode and ended up that day in the psyche ward. I eventually got out and got my car and picked up where I left off and smoked crack and lived my messed up life.

And people wonder why I say don’t do drugs?

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That’s quite a story. I bet it felt really messed up being addicted to crack and not able to get your dad’s car. I’m glad those kinds of days are over for the both of us. Alcohol was my poison.

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Yeah, I’ve read your stories. You understand. We’re lucky we were able to quit.

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Addiction to anything stronger than coffee is hell. Alcohol sucks. It’s really depressing to be up at 3:00 am and still drinking. Stuff like that is something nonaddicts will never know.

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Nick, I enjoy reading your threads and the stories about your life and what you’ve been through.

You should write a book about these sort of things!

Or maybe a collection of short essays and memories.

Take care. :slight_smile:

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Thanks @Montezuma. @Hedgehog suggested that a couple times too. Maybe I should consider it, IDK. But thanks.

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Hey, you welcome!

I just suggest it because I love literature written by other schizophrenics, I find I relate pretty well to it.

I haven’t read anything on sz in a while though. I’m busy reading a lot of thrillers and pulp these days LOL.

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