I am still trying to make sense of it 15 years after my diagnosis. When I pray; I am told that the entire universe is the hallucination and co-creative consciousness of life. I seem to be willingly in control of whatever I think or believe–and so if someone could prove otherwise it would help. I have experienced a lot of unusual things, but I don’t want to be conspiratorial in my conceptualization of it. So I tell myself—perceptions and beliefs shape our open-minded ness to others and our abilities to understand or relate.
So even without medication—the major concern is I won’t sleep for days and I become manic/dysphoric if I don’t find a tool to ground my realiity. But with medication, reality-still is slipping sort of. The need to have something to fall back to—is lacking, I don’t have an idea of what the normal reality was meant to look like, because even as a little girl I was philosophizing life after death and staring at flowers in the rain. So is merely being eccentric and unusual (not special) just unable to fit the mold what schizophrenia is? Can we go even deeper? Seeing things others cant see even if you can confirm their existence? But other people can’t because their consciousness is not evolved enough to even accept the existence of such phenomena? IE time travel, multiple levels of reality/hypnosis, weather control, prayer, intention, energy-manipulation, being in sync so much you think or feel like you’re psychic—because things constantly are confirmed that match the subconscious internal with the outward material?
To a lazy person this would be just the ramblings of a lunatic. But to someone who actually wants to understand and dig deeper, can you help me define schizophrenia?
I would like to be successful in life; my interests are more-so in art and writing. I found that college right now will be too much; especially trying to figure out the online system. In college I studied mass communications and did well. But I really wanted to study art–was told it would be too competitive. So right now I will try to stay positive in my confidence and grounded in reality. So far what I know is the best thing is to take it one day at a time. I am thinking of writing another book; hopefully the inspiration will come back.
I understand your perspective. I wish I could stop having the experiences I have had. If I had a culture where I could explore the unknown, metaphysical, paranormal or spiritual perhaps I would not feel as isolated and alone. Yea I know that many of my beliefs were eccentric/delusional. That does not mean everything I think is essentially unfounded.
To me, schizophrenia is solely a medical disease. I am pretty shy and have moral issues but I believe that I was born with a propensity to become schizophrenic and a few bad acid trips at age 19 triggered it.
I don’t believe at all that it’s spiritual disease or that my schizophrenia is due to any moral failings or a punishment or anything else other than I got unlucky and contracted this disease. I believe, no matter what I did in life leading up to it, or what other paths I would have gone down in life, I still would have ended up the same, a 19 year old with schizophrenia.
It’s like being drunk and high at the same time early on. It got worse over time from pot and I started getting severe dp/dr or dissociation. Also feelings of PTSD and worsening of delusions. My sole delusion was matrix theory and then it blossomed like a weed and became hundreds if not thousands.
My schizophrenia seems contrived but also extremeley magical and spiritual like a curse. I hope someday to have enough insight and support to know and believe it’s purely scientific in nature.
Same. I don’t believe its a spiritual disease. But like Buddhist/philosophy or just general positive thinking has definitely helped me cope and adapt to it. The issue you point out is important though not to go too deep into new age theories/because there are a lot of scammers out there who prey on the vulnerable. Like people who will say “Schizophrenia doesn’t exist” and then try to do an exorcism on you. Sleep paralysis for example is not anything spiritual/can be triggered my toxic thoughts just like nightmares/ but it is actually sleep apnea most likely means you have trouble sleeping i found out I have severe sleep apnea I am supposed to be getting a CPAP machine but am waiting on insurance to approve it. So most things can point to something physical going on. with schizophrenia, or bipolar or depression it is something we will have because it’s something we had a genetic predisposition for and ends up happening no matter what. When I first became Ill I was healthy, vegetarian, a size Zero, and even though I was having trouble fitting in it was the disease/symptoms/illness that left me marginalized.
I think it’s just some people are genetically or such, predisposed to it. So we are more at risk via chronic excessive stress, bad diet, alcohol and such.
I don’t know if weed causes it or not. I never smoked until I was about nineteen. That was after I had schizophrenia and psychosis. Weed really just got me out of my shell but overall not that much it could do for me anymore. It tends to reduce inhibitions, making people more gullible and dysphoric. Recently I tried CBD and some mild THC drops from the store. That actually made me super super sick. I didn’t think herbal CBD would have that effect.
So IMO weed doesn’t really help at all; just the general effects are not medicinal for schizophrenia, can cause paranoia and disconnections from ourselves. I thought maybe it was the type of weed-often it is worse with certain types, but now I refuse to smoke weed or anything anymore. I threw the rest away and I stopped using THC drops they made me unbearably sick last week. I became instantly delusional and was very embarassing.
