Idk why but I’m suddenly doubting AGAIN what I’m dealing with. The symptoms are so vague I can’t tell between the two!!!
I’m not sad, im only sad about feeling like this but I’m not sad at the core of the feeling.
I have no motivation to do anything, the only times I’ll groom is either if my parents force me to, or if I’m going out and don’t wanna be seen looking bad. I also have body dysmorphia, I care enough about my appearance that it makes me shower and wash my hair and change my clothes and shave and clip my nails when I go out. I brush my teeth only because I hate the stench of myself, so I only do it in the morning and that’s it. I’ll eat if it’s conveniently already prepared for me, otherwise I’d rather be hungry than have to make something for myself. Even if it’s microwavable I still sometimes won’t make it because that’s how little I care. But all I know is that normally I’m not like this. When I was depressed in the past I wasn’t THIS unmotivated.
I don’t have fun with the things I used to have fun with (playing video games, reading books, nature, etc) so I do nothing but surf the internet all day. But I THINK I still enjoy going out with friends, that keeps me entertained. So am I anhedonic? Partially?
From the above, I hang out with friends but mostly just to kill the time. I don’t really care about them anymore or how they’re doing, no compassion or interest for them. I’m just so bored.
My emotions aren’t blunted other than the fact that I can’t cry anymore, no matter what. I can still laugh and get angry and other expressive emotions. My grandparents’ passed away, didn’t feel sad at all for them even though I know I should.
I’m suicidal but mostly due to me being unable to continue tolerating feeling like this. I don’t feel suicidal cuz I feel worthless or anything like that.
No alogia or jumping from one idea to the next.
My libido is good.
My cognition is spotty, and my concentration is awful
Idk if I’m actually apathetic, srsly what does that even actually mean? Like does caring about me not caring count? I just don’t wanna feel like this anymore. I desire getting better.
Oh and I tried some stuff to help in case it’s depression. We tried Prozac (with Zyprexa so Symbyax), Buspar, and now Latuda and I still feel like this. I heard how Latuda was amazing for bipolar depression…
So yeah I’m just really confused.