Of the defective car that kept accelerating when they tried to stop? I’m going through a wicked manic phase right now and I realized it’s just like that stupid car. All you want to do is stop and park but your car won’t stop going faster and faster until you’re just hurtling along wildly out of control doing damage to your car & surroundings and feeling absolutely helpless to stop it, just doing the best you can to hold on.
I pray to God but he tells me my misery is primarily self-inflicted. He never was one to sugar coat things. He’ll be there for me and be kind to me and patient with me but he won’t fudge around with what the problem is.
The main issue is that I can’t seem to keep myself taking my meds properly. I guess because my symptoms bring me a modicum of pleasure and excitement amidst the heaping piles of bad and that’s worth torturing myself for?? I’m actually insane. It feels like nowadays I’d drag myself through glass just to feel the pleasure of the pain going away when I stopped, if that makes sense. Ie I’m making extraordinarily bad decisions in the sake of instant pleasure, in whatever quality or amount, regardless of consequences. And this has been going on for some time now. I’m fighting to stay with it and fighting that side of myself that would throw her life away for a good feeling.
Anyways sorry for the long kind of weird rant, I’m exhausted after weeks of not being able to sleep properly. Tonight I was struggling with awful nightmares and am now too anxious to fall back asleep despite feeling exhausted.
summary: I’ve been battling a manic episode for several weeks now and it’s been hell. I’m so, so exhausted and struggling to stay sane.