A lot of very intense anxiety that didn’t seem to match the situation. This lead to the paranoia. Though I was having problems losing my thoughts and focus for about a year before that.
I’ve been bipolar 2 since right before high school, though not diagnosed until recently when diagnosed SZA-Bipolar. I had/have a good handle on the bipolar symptoms since I have the experience, then the SZ symptoms hit and they were so different from what I was used to dealing with. It’s just strange how since schizoaffective is one diagnosis, bipolar and SZ are 2 completely different animals.
I also had some delusions as a tween. When I was 11 I was a delusional. I thought my impure and obsessed with star wars thoughts killed my baby cousin, who died in a miscarriage. I honestly thought that I was responsible. I also thought that I was either an atheist or a holy entity, I was making up my mind about whether I believed in Catholicism or not. I turned atheist by 13 and never went back for a moment. Religion and schizophrenia don’t mix for me, it might help others but for me it was just an excuse to be psychotic but not labelled mentally ill. Not good for me.
Science is my thing, you all have heard about how Im on a full scholarship and making all A’s in psych concentrating in behavioral neuroscience, it’s practically a science major but they still lump it in with other BA’s and not BS’s. Oh well. I think atheists get labelled as worshiping science, not really- it’s more like we worship nothing but preach science to spiritual questions. Like “what is love” can be accurately described as a certain chemical state of certain brain regions.
I tell my parents “I love you from the bottom of my hypothalamus”
I was feeling suspicious toward my friends, and than suspiciousness would go away, and i was thinking what the heck i was thinking, i knew something was not right, i knew i was having mental episodes, but i didn’t know that i am developing life long disease.
It’s been told to me that my behavior was way out there when I was little, and I do remember getting into a physical fight with an imaginary friend when I was 7 and breaking my hand.
But I was so hyper nothing was registering as wrong with me… to me.
I think is sunk in when I was 12 or so I remember my parents have to physically hold me to keep me from running around in circles one night. I physically couldn’t stop. I was taken to the doctors and it was blamed on meds. I was sedated. But even sedated, I was still awake.
My parents said that the docs would check on me every hour and I was still sitting up right in bed, eyes wide open just watching in the dark. They were all wondering how in the world that was happening. But I do remember my brain being slow enough to think. I was slow enough to realize what was going on. I think it was the first time in my life I felt slowed down to normal pace.