I mean, I was always a little on the schizo spectrum as far as I could tell.
Childhood was full of me having a poor boundary with reality or transient delusional beliefs. When I was 13, for example, about half a year or more I genuinely believed I was some vampire-werewolf hybrid and that my parents were either a) not my real parents or b) actually paranormal/magical beings themselves and just hiding it.
Hallucinations didn’t start until I was in my first year of my Master’s program.
The first was very loud war drums, followed by the gibberish voice (The Radio Announcer, as I called him) that also kind of sounds musical, the next day. I was very confused and also devastated when I realized I developed psychosis.
You aren’t kidding about that state of terror. There were many times in the last few years where I was ready to off myself because my schizophrenia was so bad. I’d get insight for just long enough to be horrified at how delusional I was and how powerful the psychosis was, want to die because “If it’s already this bad now, I’m hopeless” and then I’d slip back into it again like nothing.
I used to see a skeleton guy in the corner of my room when i was like 7 or 8. But i just chalked that up to over imagination.
But i was terrified to get up to go to the bathroom at night because of it.
But my first clinically significant episode I had manic psychosis so i felt like Id discovered the key to life and was on the greatest mission of all time. So i actually felt great even though things were extremely bizarre.
But about 7 or 8 months later it became pretty awful and batshit insane. I prefer to forget about that period of time.
You nailed it. I can’t seem to get rid of all of the positive symptoms, but at least meds and CBT got me to a place where they went from loud and terrifying to irritating and amusing. I’m taking that win.
I heard voices most of the day from 2011 to about 2017. Then it eased up a bit. Then i became very withdrawn and burnt out.
These days i almost never hear voices and i cant explain how they stopped lol but ill take it.
So they were in sync. Some events like that happend to me. was intresting to watch, but I do not see why that is sz? I saw it more as paying attetion to what goes on around.
I have had symptoms as long as I can remember. I just thought I was more aware of things than other people. I knew others would think I was crazy if I told them what I knew and experienced so I kept it a secret.
It’s depressing for me to think about that I was mentally ill as a child and my parents didn’t get me help.
My mom said I got poison ivy when I was real little and developed skin picking after that. She said my bed sheets would be covered in dried blood bc I would pick at night.
I remember being maybe 7 and having an ocd that if I didn’t swallow constantly my saliva would drown me
First traumatic event that I can recall happened at 5 and I remember it vividly.
Then I developed social anxiety because no one liked me at school and I didn’t know why (autism)
And I became severely depressed at 13 and with drew from everyone
I am done, I am in deep ■■■■ and have no options to recover as per science and history of the illness goes. But I am trying to fight it with my might to see what transpires. Hopefully there is some chance of living peacefully if not happily.
yeah pretty similar though I have some out of place memories from years prior where I was experiencing the symptoms and the delusional state… like it was happening but I felt it was harmless or evn uplifting (mania)… but it was never lasting and back in those days somehow I didnt pay it much attention… like it was just stuff Id experience while I was stressed out at work… my home life was unaffected.
years later and pretty separate from that… it all set in more permanently… and it went from benign mania to outright terror and paranoia. I was hospitalized about a month after…
Keep pushing forward man. I had it real bad for 5 or 6 years… it was a very gradual and slow recession. I mean it was constant noise and fear at every turn for 3 years or more… then for about the same amount of time I just rolled with it. It was there still happening, but I was able to prevent myself from getting stuck in delusional beliefs.
And after enough of that the structure finally started breaking down.
Even more years later I’m here with a 99% normal life… but even that 1% gets spooky. The fear of the fear… been feeling it more lately.
That’s the goal to push forward. I fell into a trap with no return for long time. I am shooting in the dark most of the times. I do not see the other end of the tunnel, I am walking and walking and walking to see what is at the other end but all I can find is same old thing of fear, panic and anxiety of the past.
The way I failed and way I got sacked and way I could not read or learn anything. I am not giving up yet. But I lost interest in many things. I am trying to revive and start a new life. It may take time but surely I need to manage the stuff and not want to be in the trap. It all sounds morbid but that is the effect of the illness.
