My pdoc asks why I can’t go to an ENT, why I can’t make an appointment and catch a bus and I can’t answer her because the answer would land me in the mental hospital and what can they do to help me, I’ve been 40+ times?
I have at least three teeth that need extraction because of cracks in them that might widen anytime. I wonder how I’ll chew my food without the teeth the dentist wants out. My pdoc won’t prescribe me the medicine I need to open my throat until I see an ENT doctor. I don’t trust myself to go far from home because of my homicidal tendencies and I can’t tell her that because I’d be put in the hospital and loaded up with drugs. I get sicker in the hospital. They don’t want me either, that’s why they never ask me if I am a danger to myself or others when I’m being discharged.
Jinx, I don’t know what country you’re in, but if you’ve been in hospitals that often, I’d have to guess they aren’t long stays. Have you looked into residential programs? Where I’m at, regular visits generally run 7-10 days, which isn’t even long enough for most meds to start working. Residential looks to be about 4x as long. If you’re able to get something like this, why not try? Maybe you need someone to monitor your meds more. I’m scared to do it, but I might someday.
I shouldn’t incriminate myself. Rather, I have gone out in public and thought if someone messed with me I wouldn’t handle it well. I don’t push people when I feel they are about to break for mercy’s sake and I hope no one is looking for trouble and pushes me too far. My G D voices made me mean, they are way to realistic and ever present, it’s not right or fair. Things have gotten better and they aren’t always there. The war is over, they can only hurt themselves now.
I don’t think it’s having a certain thought or feeling a certain way that is incriminating. I think acting on it is. If you have the impulse control to stop yourself, to know it’s wrong and therefore not do it, you’re steps ahead of some people.
That’s really terrifying. I felt homicidal once. I felt so bad that I had that in me, especially considering who it was. It ■■■■■ with your head. I don’t want to be a murderer. And I’m sure you don’t either. Sucks when you have to protect the world from you.
I’m not trying to be mean, but if you’re having homicidal tendencies strong enough to not want to leave the house, you need immediate help. Please consider telling your pdoc and going inpatient. Maybe you could do the residential stay others here mentioned. It’s really essential you get help.