I didn’t do a huge chunk of the assigned work for my online class. It was couched in a big paragraph in the syllubus. I did the other stuff it said to do but I didn’t know about that part until half way through the semester. I just messed around on line even after I found out because each section took forever and there were at least twenty. Probably more. I worked for 50min on one and didn’t make it through.
I’m just afraid that when I fail Mom’s going to get on her “get tough” thing. She’s stopped listening to my nervous fears and has just started saying things like “life’s tough”. That just scares me because with the ausburgers indicators, sza (depression), having suicidal fantasies almost every day of my life until four or five years ago, the crushing self hate, overwhelming feelings of inferiority, not to mention the fear that some day somehow the sz part will get me. That my medicines won’t work anymore…
And the medicine. She keeps saying stuff like “what would you do if we weren’t here” when she gets it for me. Doesn’t she think that I haven’t thought of that? That at least once a week I have an episode of crushing fear that one day I won’t be able to pay for them and it will be all over.
Is she trying to say it gets worse than this?
It can always get worse. It can can better though. When it comes to your class just make sure you are more careful so you don’t make the same mistake again next time. Hey, I have the same inferiority problems. And I fail at things.You just do the best you can. When it comes to life, “Expect the best, but prepare for the worst”. I have a few F’s on my record. But I also have a lot of A’s and "B’s. You can’t win 'em all. But I know how failing a class can put a dent in your confidence and is a little embarrassing. I understand. But l like I said, just be more careful next time.
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Sometimes, I say this to my son–not to scare him! I hope I haven`t! I guess it is my way of saying that I worry for him. I do want him to be as independent as possible. i really want him to know how to find resources for himself when I am not around anymore…if he needs help with anything-I want him to know how to get whatever he needs.
Maybe that is what your mom is really doing…
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I’ve been diagnosed with dependent personality disorder along with my sza and ptsd. So life without my partner for me is unbearable and when i think of life without her i become very upset. To the point of almost committing suicide. i know i need help and i try to do things for myself. My partner tells me all the time, “i won’t always be around to help you” and i know what she’s saying is true, but it’s her way to teach me to be resourceful on my own. For example for years i was too paranoid to answer or to make phone calls but finally i answer and make my own phone calls to my doctors and to stores if i’m looking for a particular product.
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I have the same sort of problem but not as bad as yours.C takes care of me and even occasionally clips my toenails because he thinks the way I clip them will cause ingrown toenails (I have had several clipping them my way). My friends give me weird looks when I mention stuff like that. But I like it. I have only been truly alive for about three years now (that’s the way I think about when I started medicine that let me out of my own head and really start interacting with people and my environment. So I am really incompetent when it comes to even caring for myself.)
I feel guilty sometimes because I kinda feel happy in a way about how harsh my meds are because I hope that they will shorten my life (though just by a little) because C is about 8 years older than me and he is a smoker. We both agree that it would be best if I die first. I know that sounds bad, but C doesn’t have depression and would be able to wake up and function every day. It is very improbable that I would.