I’ve succeeded in keeping real busy for the last two weeks; I feel a bit tired tonight, but absolutely wanted to write to you guys. The thing about keeping busy is that you feel like you’re actually living a life, not quite ignoring completely what is out there, nor being completely free from it at any times. Yet, I feel a bit empowered in deciding if I wish to talk about that thing pending - that thing that I might only have postponed, let’s call it a fckin tantrum, but you guys probably already know better.
What I feel worked the best for me:
First, doing some sort of agreement with myself that it is not fcking abnormal to circle in and out ideas in one head for three hours when one goes to bed. In doing so, I feel comfortable not being in any rush to fall asleep. Over the course of the last two / three weeks, I would say that I have sleep quite well. I’ve kept as much as possible my thoughts busy remembering me to breathe deeply. Plus I added some random reflexion about managing anger (step by step, first you stop the fck you’re doing or thinking, second, you fcking breathe deeply, and third you try to remember that you indeed lied to yourself and not quite stopped the fck you’re going to try to convince your buddies on this forum that you indeed stopped, and then of course, there is the classic, you take a good and long and deep fcking breathes. Sometimes, sort that I don’t get too bored, I used synonym : hence, after an hour or so of fcking stop the fck (and so on), I’m please to hear myself remembering that I should oxygen both my fcking lungs.
Funny thing, is when I light a cigaret and some ■■■■ goes trough my mind: its such a great time to take a deep breathe.
Anyhow, another thing that has helped me was to name the pending thing Sz-subject, which seems to allow my brain to prepare itself to function in an analogic mode whereas me-myself-and-I might be endangered by something that is not actually there right now, but could be intrusive at a certain point later on the day.
I’ve worked (from home) all week, being quite productive, followed a quite structured schedule (albeit with voluntary tests, like going to sleep later that planned, waking up later than planned, going for a walk mid-day, those sort of things). I would say that I only remember one afternoon that I feel a bit strange (kind of working 5 minutes, obviously having my mind somewhere else at first for a minute, then for 5 minutes, then for 10 minutes, but at the same time having that good old me-myself-and-I behind my desk and working on my shits.
I’ve read simple stuff about regression: I’m might try to think about those little infos I have about that other sort of things to fall asleep tonight.
Hope all of you guys are hanging in there, please accept my best regards and thank you for letting me talk and share my stuff with you.
P.-S. The thing about « analogic » thinking is that it seems to allow myself being more comfortable associating realities not physically surrounding me-myself-and-I, with the f*ck me-myself-and-I is doing, either at the same time, or in different lapse of time (for instance, I would evaluate me having be off this planet for about 1 hour last week overall, but could pinpoint moment in the same week where I was off or very close from off for a whole two hours). Sorry, I can’t be more explicit, but if anyone of you as any interest, please let me know, I’ll do my best to explain.