Thankyou @ThePickinSkunk 
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Now that you recognize the pain, you need to focus on healing. I urge you talk to a therapist and focus on making yourself okay with being you. Our scars are permanent and the pain is still often deep but donāt let them make you feel ugly because you are beautiful despite those scars.
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Iām okay with being me but I am permanently physically damaged from that sexual abuse. Thatās the worst part. I donāt want to go back to sex like that. Thereās no point.
I donāt have time for therapy. I need my spare time to relax. Iām in a very intensive full time job.
Hi folks.
I am doing well. Just messing around.
Gave the kitty some attention.
Helped my dad with his phone card.
Vaping a bit.
I bought the movie Little Giants last night. 
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am on the way of a girlfriend 2023
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Not being funny - i can feel a bout of depression coming on. Its not like im hearing the usual āvickyā with the voices. Its just everything is the bloody same - day after day - and if i could just conquer the thought broadcasting in public, i might be able to get out more.
My coping skills are slowly going out the window. Tempted to just dose up and bugger off to bed.
I want to be happy - but in all honesty i dont know what would make me happy. Im a difficult bugger to deal with.
Maybe im just having a wobble - and the determination of not giving a toss will come back lol. 
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Hey guys!
Been somewhat busy this weekend. Had a cousins bday dinner and cake last night. It was really good. Hes having a secondary party today that my aunt can go to(dad has protective order) and i am not going because shes a giant trigger for my HI.
So i feel kinda funny today. May take my prn. Cause even thinking about my aunt puts me on edge.
Hoping to go to the library today with my dad. We will see.
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I mean this in a physically functional sense not just some other way.
Anyway, hope everyone is having a relaxing day.
I canāt be asked to do the laundry today.
Itās a lot of energy having to face ppl today. My face is swollen from electrolysis today, and I feel medically induced fat.
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I am slowly building towards doing a little bit more and Iām kind of nervous about doing too much so Iām starting slow and being flexible about it. I was pretty bed bound for so many years and I still kinda am
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Iām so effing bored, but I donāt feel like getting up and going anywhere, just chillin in bed.
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Itās so cool that my work actually accommodates for me doing 4 days instead of 5 days work per week
!
But, I just canāt save money that way, 
Otherwise Iād be doing 4 days.
Cos my job really makes my adrenaline go really high.
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Happy weekend all! Hope everyone is doing alright! Iām smoking a picahna (which is like a cross between a brisket and a steak) on Tuesday for the 4th. Canāt wait! Anyways, hope everyone has a good weekend. And remember, donāt sweat the petty things and donāt pet the sweaty things 
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A little bit of painting left to do, monday an engineer sorts out the heating and boiler. Wednesday the flooring is placed and saturday, the fridge arrives.
Hopefully, i can move my stuff from storage into the studio between wedneday and friday.
New home aside. I feel a little down. The girl i was talking to, seems to have lost interest in talking to me. And otherwise i just feel like i have nobody to live with/for/by 
Iām trying not to think about it. But I think its better to be accepting of it. To be a humble lad and accept that i need to be accommodating to myself with only myself.
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put away 99 dollars worth of food in the fridge and freezer. feel pretty good about that. saw niece after her shift. mother has covid. i donāt seem to get illnesses very easily so iāve been there today. fixed my pc. got sick of everything. started a new book. eric flint series 1632. itās an historical alternate universe featuring West Virginians. good to be alone.
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Iām making tapioca pudding, love the stuff but have never made it. Guess Iām going to find out what homemade tapioca pudding is like. It was very easy to make.
I just mixed milk, sugar, granulated tapioca and beaten eggs in a pot, let it sit for five minutes, then brought it to a boil while constantly stirring, then took it off the burner and added vanilla extract. Now itās cooling.
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@freakonaleash do you have much avolition? (difficulty with motivation)
How do you manage to overcome it, you visit concerts/gigs a lot and always seem pretty active which is super cool
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just received the biggest of the free samples i ordered of kratom, 84 grams 100% free. i read from other kratom users that it helps mask symptoms when they get sick like with cold and flu. sounds like an added benefit to the main effects considering i have been super sick for days
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was it leaf? or tablets?
iāve tried the tablets ten years ago or so. used to sell it down at the oxogyn bar.
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I actually do struggle some with motivation, especially in terms of hygiene and general cleanliness. I mean yeah, I can almost always get myself to go to work, have to if Iām going to pay bills and not be homeless. I can normally get myself to shower and brush my teeth before going to work.
I can motivate myself to go to fun stuff like concerts and trips, but if you saw my apartment youād see how much I struggle to get anything done at home. Not to mention my hygiene on days I donāt work.
Iāve actually had that bag of tapioca for a few months, took me this long to make pudding with it. But yeah my apartment is filthy and I can never get myself to clean it.
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