I am not afraid of crowds.
I can easily be in an anonymous crowd where I don’t know anyone and the throng of people are merely back drop and atmosphere. I can walk through the chatter and ignore and be ignored and I am at ease.
The throng of people don’t register, they could be paintings, they could be imagination. I see them, but I don’t see them. I don’t have to. I can walk where I please.
But I can not walk into my parents living room on Christmas. Too much history, too much emotion, too much memory or not enough memory on my part.
I don’t like being recognized on the street. If they remember me, then I remember me. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to remember me a few years ago. I don’t like that guy and I hope he doesn’t come around any more.
If you have seen me day by day and week by week; then you have seen me chase that old me away.
If your still here after having seen that battle, then I’m glad your here to see me now.
It’s OK if you remember me from then, because you know who I’ve fought and won, and you might know who I am now.
But if you meet me now, and you knew me then, then I have a hard time wanting to know you.
Because that will lead me right back to me… the old me… the me I’ve fought off. So I don’t fight my old me anymore…
I run away in panic.
I’m just not ready to fight myself again.
If you still want to meet me now, you have to stand still a moment and when I’m sure that who I used to be won’t show up, then I’ll try and come and say hello.
I’m not hiding from you… I’m hiding from me…
To bad I always know where I am.
It’s a sad solitary game of hide and seek. I want to hide, I don’t want to seek and no matter how many times I count to 100 with my eyes closed, I find myself right way. But it’s not the me I hope to find, it’s parts of the old me.
Then I have to hide again.
So if you knew me then and hope to know me now…
Please be patient…
J under construction.