They couldn’t have chosen a worse time to become more severe. I’ve just started school an I’m really feeling them.
I feel a severe lack of will and motivation. Other symptoms I have are the inability to feel pleasure and poverty of speech. Negative symptoms are divided into two domains, reduced expressiveness and avolition. I am manifesting negative symptoms in both categories.
The worst thing is that I cannot feel anything except for negative emotions like frustration, dissatisfaction, and inner discomfort as a result of the anhedonia. There is no backbone of positivity to convince me to want to keep on living life.
I have one class Human Evolution, in which I feel like a complete idiot, still I find it impossible to get up the motivation to take notes or highlight from the textbook. The other issue with this is that I cannot keep up in the labs and ended up writing stupid wrong answers and losing points in order to get out of there on time and look cool and capable to the other students who all finished much faster than me…
I feel like my mind is foggy and sluggish all the time and it’s as if I cannot produce anything worthwhile ore be creative at all.
When it comes to maintaining social relationships I’m certainly failing. People message me and I don’t respond to them for a week or two. Don’t get me started on my email. I have a bunch of emails from my Professor and disability coordinator which I have been ignoring because I’m just too lazy.
In class I’m too nervous to talk to my classmates, I just sit with my head down and talk to maybe one person at a time. I have always been a social misfit.
There are mandatory online courses on sexual harrassment and managing finances which I haven’t completed. If they are mandatory how am I even attending classes? I just don’t have the motivation to get any of this stuff done.
I don’t even do things which I’m supposed to enjoy like watching youtube videos or whatever, mostly I just sit around all day staring at the wall.
I haven’t attended Friday prayers in over a year and that is mandatory for all males in Islam. It doesn’t help that my spiritual health is failing along with my physical and mental health.
On the subject of physical health, I have not been out running in almost a month, my body is completely flab yet my weight is pretty stable and I can fit into all my old clothes, yet I eat complete crap most of the time.
Nothing pharmaceutical helps with negative and cognitives except stimulants and those make psychosis worse. So I guess my life is just ■■■■ and I will always fight a losing battle because I have schizophrenia, thanks for reading my update and bye.