The last few years of living at home my Dad pretty much acted like I wasnt a person. He treated my Mum the same way. Never talking to us or greeting us unless it was 100% critical like asking us to do stuff for him, or just complain about stuff we’ve done wrong.
I had an argument or two with him and he tried to kick me out the house immediately when I wouldn’t apologise to him for what I said to him and telling him how he made me feel by ignoring me (which felt amazing saying it BTW).
Now I’ve moved out and am so much happier without him in my life. But since leaving he’s been depressed and repeatedly has tried to reach out to me “to talk”. But I have pretty much nothing to say to him. Id be happier if he left me alone but I feel bad about being mean and saying that to him. But I also dont want to just be submissive to him and do what ever he wants.
I find it really difficult to stand up to him. He tends to speak really quickly and directly, and it makes it hard to say how I really feel or have actual conversation.
I don’t really know how to approach him. Hes asked me to call him today “to talk” but I know I dont want to. I dont have anything to gain.
What makes it worst is he hasnt apologised for trying to kick me out, or how he treated me for the previous years. He just acts like we’re best buds and are close etc with fake smiles. He asks me questions about myself as if I should trust him and be able to talk openly but - I don’t and that in itself makes me distrust him even more because he comes across as disingenuous. More happy to live in a façade that we are close than to actually salvage our relationship properly.
My mum still lives with him but she finds him extremely difficult too and I think if she had money enough to house herself she wouldnt stay with him. My Dad wants to be comforted and spend time with my mum while he’s depressed, but is oblivious to the pain he caused us for the last 4 years etc. Hes also incredibly selfish and uncaring when hes not depressed (ego centric) so I can understand why my Mum is resistant to being submissive to him too.
When I see my Mum she often complains about him and things she has to put up with recently.
I dunno. What would you say to a parent who went from kicking you out to the street when you were depressed, who then got depressed and wants to be close?
My father acts like we used to be close, but he was only ever around to abuse and punish me. He acts now like he’s always been a really good man, and I’m just a liar. So I don’t say much to him if I can get away with it.
He has a really overbearing personality. He’s hyper critical and demanding. Has nothing good to say about anyone but himself. So I just stay away. He’s not a good person, and he’s not good for my mental health. It’s easier when he’s not around.
The man can’t see beyond his own needs, and he is a user. He’d make a great door to door salesman. He is conniving and manipulative, and you need to keep your distance from him.
You describe the same way I feel. Its just always draining and trouble etc.
He is extremely judging of everyone and thinks he knows everything and cant comprehend that different people have different views on the same subject etc.
Don’t call him. Don’t talk to him. That’s how I’d handle it. You need to take care of your own needs and getting back into a relationship that is abusive and toxic is very bad for your mental health. I say just ignore him completely
Your father sounds like my father. Everytime I try to explain him to someone they think I’m exaggerating, but I don’t have to. He’s a person who operates in extremes. There’s nothing neutral or calm about him. It’s incredibly difficult. He rattles me.
Do what feels right for you
I am 43 and i’ve never heard of many people who can talk to their parents like they are best of friends
I can’t chat to my parents freely i have to be careful not to upset them and they are very religious with a lot of commitments.
Can you talk to him about anything without feeling like this?
Okay. I said at Christams time “Im not really ready for this now”. Maybe I should just reaffirm this to him?
As I say, I feel like I have nothing to gain, and I am happier living without him in my life, I just also finding the right way to put up a barrier is difficult.
Well Im glad Im not the only one on here who doesn’t like their Dad.
Honestly I hated my Dad when I was little, and only briefly liked him when I was 13-16 when we bonded over music (and before I had a breakdown).
Once I had MH issues and didnt work he always had a problem with me “not being normal” etc.
I guess I have no reason to entertain him. Maybe Im being too kind.
I wish my father and I could bond over a shared interest, but none exist. I’m the very opposite of him, and I’ll never like modern country music.
I just keep the peace these days. My father knows something is up with me, but I refuse to let him in. He just won’t understand. His big thing right now is “nobody wants to work” and he can’t conceive some people literally can’t work, or don’t want to work for him. He’s trapped in his own experience, and can’t understand why no body else is exactly like hm, when he’s obviously the best of humanity there is.
Keeping the peace is the only goal I have, it’s the only one I might be able to succeed at with him. I’m done trying to get him to be on my side, and understand me. I no longer want or need it from him. It took a long time to get there.
Thanks for the replies guys. I thought about sending him a message declining, and then I imagined myself explaining the situation to someone else. And went through the chronology of events in more detail in my head and then I didnt even feel bad about telling him I wasnt ready to talk yet.
TBH, when he was trying to kick me out the house I really wanted bad things to happen to him. I don’t feel like that now but I don’t really have much reason to talk to him…
It would be like sitting down to eat with a teacher you really didn’t like or something. Like what is the objective? Put yourself in harms way for what?
Even if I wanted to make peace with him (which frankly I could easily not) the onus is on him to be apologetic and explain his actions. I really dont have anything to apologise for. “Sorry I have mental health issues and you’re too stupid to be able to comprehend them or even try to read about them when I ask you to do so”
Im just gonna keep missing his calls and try not to escalate the situation.
