Recently i hospitalized myself because i was feeling down and out and recently i have been discharged. There was no collateral damage during the incident due to the fact ive known the feeling and thoughts numerous times before so i knew it was time. Now im out and i have to get on with my life i guess. In the hospital they changed my diagnosis from schizoaffective to major depression with psychotic features since i dont display psychotic features consistently enough so i guess thats a relief even though it isnt because it still means i have deep mental struggles like anyone else with any type of mental illness. I met some wonderful and kind people in the hospital who gave me insight on life and my prayers go to them to fight their inner demons. But how do i move on? The worst of this was having to send emails to a few of my professors telling them (without stating a reason why) that i was in the hospital and couldnt complete their works or papers, etc. and asking for more time. One i have a good professional and almost friendship relationship with who asked me “why?” immediately and all i could say was you don’t want to know. I feel so ashamed about this. Now in the eyes of some of my professors ill be “that kid” meaning the kid with mental problems. Im so ashamed even though i know i shouldn’t be. I didn’t want it to come to this but it did and now i feel ill have this stamp of mentally unstable on me for the rest of the semester especially to my one professor who was almost like a mentor to me. Im now behind in school, having to tell my professors why, having to sign up for disability, and even thinking about giving up and withdrawing for the rest of the semester. Im going to feel so embarrased and terrible when tomorrow comes having to hand my professors notes before class when everyone is present that i was in the hospital, without having any physical injuries, just so i can make up my work. Im sorry to depress the living ■■■■ out of everyone but i feel from this hospitalization ive failed myself and only put myself more behind. Then theres the problem of formulating smart thoughts for school which has gone to hell since this semester started. And even then there are my parents who love me dearly but have been so traumatized by me and my actions they don’t know what to do anymore besides throw in the towel. i guess on the bright side at least im safe, but it still feels pretty dark and gloomy.
That was pretty long and i apologize. And i guess i don’t belong here anymore since technically im not in the “schizo” family of mental illness anymore
It sounds a lot like you are still experiencing depression symptoms, just from the way you are looking at the whole thing and feeling about it.
What you did was actually incredibly responsible, from going to the hospital when you needed to do so, to communicating promptly with professors, and so on. Like it’s all rather impressive given how most people just go into denial and implode with everything going to hell in their life.
If your professors think less of you, then they are seriously stupid. At least some of them have to be decent and intelligent people who will be able to see what I am clearly seeing right now, which is that you’re pretty impressive in some ways.
Hopefully once your depression is adequately treated, you will be able to see this, too.
Excuse me if this doesn’t help. If you’re in college you’re smart enough to take opinions of people with a grain of salt. And this is just my opinion. But I just want to say that failure is part of life. I really hope you succeed and I hope you overcome your problems right now and I hope you come out of this on the other side.
Here’s a saying I learned in AA: “Surrender to win”. It means sometimes you just have to cut yourself a little slack and quit fighting against something that is bothering you. In the context of AA it is meant for an alcoholic to stop thinking he can win the battle with the bottle or overcome alcoholism with will power. An alcoholic needs to quit fighting himself and stop thinking he can control his drinking. He just needs to face reality and give in and seek help, and in AA there are many success stories with this principle.
Sometimes you just have to step back and regroup and learn from your mistakes and learn from your experiences. And then try again. Yeah, it’s easy for me to say, right? I’m not saying to completely give up but don’t expect too much from yourself. It’s great to aim high but we are only human and sometimes we have set backs.
Hell, I’ve failed numerous times in my life. In fact I had a four year failure named addiction. From 1986-90 I was addicted to crack. I did so many stupid dangerous, idiotic, incomprehensible things in that four years, that I’m lucky I’m alive. I made stupid choices and I made almost daily mistakes.
But I got clean in 1990. But besides addiction I’ve been fired from a jobs a dozen and half times. I lick my wounds and go right back out and get a new job and lots of times the very next job I have after getting fired I will be one of the best workers and I’ll stay their three years.
I was in school too. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia in1980. I got out of the hospital and in 9 months I had a job. I lasted four years than I got fired. Three years out of the hospital I enrolled in college. I’m still working on my degree, I only need four more classes. My GPA is exactly 3.0. But I’ve gotten several F’s in some classes and I’ve gotten A’s in some of my classes with the rest, a smattering of B’s and C’s.
Having one failure or ten failures does not mean you will not succeed some time else or at something else. Failure does not mean endless permanent
failure for the rest of your life.
I’m using the word “failure” loosely. I don’t mean you are a failure if you don’t succeed in college. I’m not calling you a failure. It will be a setback for you. I prefer to look at my firings and drug addiction as setbacks. Some people might call them failures and sometimes in my mind they are failures too but I like to turn it around and call them setbacks as much as I can. Anyway, take my answer with a grain of salt.
A long time ago I was an adjunct teacher at a college and one of my students had mental illness. I was completely fine with the absences for medical reasons, but of course could not give credit for work that was never completed.
If you can attend classes and do the work, the semester is under control. If not, withdraw formally prior to the final withdraw date; you will be able to return whenever you wish. You can even withdraw from one or two classes and keep the rest; remember to conform to the withdraw dates if you do this. Meet with your advisor and the counselor and the disability office. See how it goes. I understand that you feel embarrassed, but the 95% majority of professors want students to succeed in courses and to graduate, I can promise you that.
It took me extra time to complete college because I voluntarily withdrew once due to a mental illness episode and was placed on medical leave due to mental illness the year before (was visibly responding to hearing things, got sent away). I went during the summer to make up for lost time and to be able to take fewer classes per term.
I am so glad you are safe. Please try not to self-stigmatize, if you can help it. Mental illness is medical illness. It’s no more your fault than if you needed your tonsils out. And everyone has the right to keep any medical information private if we choose.
I’m sorry you went to the hospital @Kazuma, and glad your diagnosis changed, it’s a better prognosis and treatment wise too. You’re still welcome here in my book, I enjoy your presence very much.
You’re not a failure because your brain failed you a bit, you get up and continue, if you have to tell your teachers than so be it, don’t be embarassed, you’re not less of a human being because of it, just have one more challenge to consider. They will sure understand that.
A big hug to you my friend.
I missed you @Kazuma, you don’t have to leave.