I didn't know any better

I got my first job when I was 17; dishwashing at a local restaurant. My friend was working there already and he suggested I apply and he put in a good word for me. I worked there three months. Anyways over the course of the next two years I had about 15 different jobs, none lasting more than three months until I got sick at age 19.

I was put in my first psyche ward at age 19. It was a bit of a surprise. I was seeing a therapist before that for several months but she had no clue how messed up I really was. I don’t blame her, I acted normal and just went in each week and talked like nothing was wrong with me.

But then the head psychiatrist at the clinic called a meeting with me, my therapist, my parents and him. And after talking for about 20 minutes he told my parents that I needed to be put in a psyche ward immediately. I remember my therapist who was this really, nice, cute 28 year old woman cried because she had no idea how sick I really was. I don’t blame her at all, I’m sure many of us act normal in front of doctors or therapists and no one can tell what’s really going on with us.

My parents drove me to the ward about a hundred miles away and checked me in. I remember sitting on the bed in my room and thinking that I had now crossed a line and I could never go back.

And I wasn’t psychotic at the time but in three days I sure was and that was the beginning of my 39 years with paranoid schizophrenia. But it was funny because from there I went directly to Soteria House in downtown San Jose, Ca. My parents got me in.

I remember when I arrived there were a few other young people there and when I got inside one guy stuck out his hand to shake hands and smiled and welcomed me there and other residents were looking at me curiously. My first impression was that it was going to be like some fun summer camp. That feeling lasted until the next morning when my suffering started in earnest and continued non-stop for the next 2 1/2 years.

I was there about 4 days and I had walked downtown a couple of days already and on the fourth day I just did what came naturally to me and I went looking for a job. No one told me to do it. But no one told me not to do it. My dad instilled in me a pretty good work ethic and that popped up and I got up one morning on my own and walked up and down the busy street and put in applications at about 7 or 8 different businesses.

And about two days later a popular donut shop and a Salvation Army store called me in for an interview and then they both offered me jobs. I thought about it and chose the donut shop; I don’t remember why I chose it over the Salvation Army. So I started working.

It wasn’t that bad though I was really screwed up mentally. But when my parents found out about my job they told me to quit. They told me I didn’t have to work, just to concentrate on getting better. They thought it was really funny though that even though I was sick that my instincts and my natural work ethic had made me get a job when I was just diagnosed with schizophrenia. So after three days I quit.

Also it was kind of funny that my boss didn’t want to pay me for three days, he just gave me two dozen free donuts, lol, instead of money! It didn’t bother me and I took the donuts to my new home and shared with everybody. What pissed me off was that the damn counselors ate most of them.

And various stuff happened and now here I am at age 58 still working and living in a nice apartment. Life is kind of funny that way.

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Hi Nick. Read some of this. Happy New Year’s.

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I worked full time in a gas station while fully psychotic and messing around at community college. My parents didn’t know what mental illness was and just pushed me to go back to work without any meds. It lasted about 3 weeks until I was so psychotic I couldn’t do it anymore. I just stopped showing up. I then spent the next two years in full blown psychosis wandering, ending up in random states (I got lost in vermont a couple of times, about a 6 hour drive from my home). This was all after my first episode and homelessness. I can’t believe I lasted that long in psychosis. It eventually became a mission to kill myself because understanding the entirety of the universe (as I saw it then) became too much and I wanted to go to “the other side.” Today I stand as a straight a student, I play in a couple bands, volunteer in my free time, and have so many lovely friends I see almost daily. I’m going on another date next week. It is amazing how far we can come, and it’s amazing how low we can get. Congrats on your recovery, you surely worked for it.

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Happy New Years @Daze.

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Life sure is funny. You’ve had a very interesting life.

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I was always a bit out of it, but the “stuff” hit the fan when I cut myself up with a hunting knife, got stitches, and was sent to the hospital. I sent all of my professors pictures of my arm to explain when I hadn’t done my assignments. I was in a doctoral program for educational administration at the time. Things just kinda went downhill from there. I’m looking forward to a new start in 2020, though. I hope to get (and keep) a job this year, exercise, lose weight, do things for myself, shower…

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I’ve heard it said that if you write down goals you are more likely to fulfil them.

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What’s your diagnosis.

Sza, bipolar type; anxiety disorder, and OCD.

Since when does cutting mean schizophrenia?

It doesn’t. I think it is part of the volatile nature of the bipolar aspect of my sza. I was a mess, mood swings all over the place. I did it to get attention, because I was angry, because I felt unworthy, etc. etc. But no, it doesn’t mean sz.

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I don’t know but maybe you don’t have sz?

I have sza. I didn’t just cut. I have severe depressive and manic episodes, hallucinations, paranoia, and delusions.

Sweet glad to hear everything is going well! I had just decided to go back to college when it hit me, I was 22 almost 23. Wow come to think of it it’s been about ten years. I drove around the southwestern US and stayed with friends, sometimes in my truck. Didn’t realize anything was wrong but started hearing voices and mumbling and alternate meanings to what people were saying. Fast forward to first semester and I saw the school pdoc, I didn’t know it at the time but he dxed me with schizophrenia. I went on to finish college in three years for a BA in psych (already had some credits completed), THEN I lost it and ended up in jail and in a psych ward after my gf of two years broke up with me. Funny, I saw her driving yesterday. Hope it hasn’t triggered me. But yeah, couple episodes later I’m here, alive, living with mom but with some money in the bank, getting ready to have a kid with a new(ish) girlfriend. I make music, paint, animate, exercise. Goals for next year? Shower and brush teeth more, ride bike, get my music practice in and post my stuff to Spotify et al, animate, get better at painting, do more gigs, take care of family, be happy. Maybe get part time work. Maybe. End of an era!

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Oh yah I have my own share of hardships when I was first diagnosed I would go on and on I was not sick until a few years went by then it hit me like a ton of bricks! I have issues with my afterlife, to say the least without furthering into mind babbling detail … I used to worry the stupidest little too things would lead me to demonic possession … I wish I could say more, except that it ain’t my first rodeo - nightmares, floating, demons, thought broadcasting, brainwashing, pychic reading, spiritual mayhem, delusions - all is garbage I take that crap, write it down on paper then burn it …

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