I am sorry

Health and Recovery
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I am not a good friend to anyone

My life is insular and does not really connect to many people on a human level

There are 4 people IRL who I am able to relate to in this world

Namely parents, brother and a close family friend

Everything else for me in the real world has been stuck behind a significant barrier of mistrust and selfishness on my part

Growing up was hard, and I guess I act as I described due to a protective force that it creates

I put in all my effort at work. When I am free I just look after my dog, play Xbox and watch movies

Not really thinking that constitutes a personality in the traditional sense

Since I have been clean some people have tried their best to get close to me, but I am completely paranoid and unavailable to those who try

Think this will be a big regret when I die that I just did not try hard enough in the new that are common relationships with others

Will always wonder if I made the right decision but it has now been over a decade since I was last sociable with those you could call peers…

So I continue to count down the days, knowing that I have robbed myself just like others once did to me

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No need to be sorry I feel this way too at times you are just feeling down and overthinking tbh your well liked here

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You still get to share your life with 4 people. I think that is not that bad.

Chin up.

Edit: I’m happy you have Mason as well in your life.

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Selfishness can be good if it means you are taking care of yourself. It’s hard with this illness.

I have severe trust issues. I have two friends in my life. One of them is schizophrenic. The other one guessed I had a psychotic break ten years ago, which makes me paranoid as f-uck.

A part of me just wants to give it all up and tell people I’m mentally ill. But with that comes a price. People will talk, gossip, look down on you etc.

@Joker you are talking like it’s your last days on earth. Who knows, soon you might feel better and feel like being social? Perhaps you’ll feel like working on yourself and try to build trust with someone?

Just don’t get involved with drug addicts. Those people only care about one thing and will use you.

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Im the same I don’t let people in. I have 1 friend and my brother and that’s it.I also see my case manager once a week. I have serious trust issues, and would prefer to be by myself. I probably when Im older will regret being so anti social , but for now it works for me.

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Sorry if I came across as moaning

Was thinking deeply about whether cutting off the world would be something I will live to regret

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I cut off contact with all my old friends years ago. Not just because I’m diagnosed with schizophrenia. I also don’t have anything to talk about anymore because I just watch TV and YouTube all day every day. I just talk to some of my family. In 2014 I was called “that cousin no one likes” so most people on that side of my family don’t contact me maybe because of that.

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You are free to vent here. No need to feel sorry!

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Hi, Joker. Over more than a year you have been nice to know here on this site. I think the illnesses we have make us have social problems. You may have felt that acutely, but I hope you will see that you are not alone. I have a few friends and the key is to have someone’s phone number and then keep in contact over the phone. And then occasionally think of something to do together.

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You’d be at my place every day for tea if you lived closer mate. You don’t give yourself enough credit.

:heart:

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What you describe is very common. I haven’t really had much symptoms on meds, but the meds themselves have definitly changed me into a person that often keeps to himself. The meds are just too powerful.

But I have work. And family, and 1 close friend I see. I guess I do need some relations in my life to stay mentally well.

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I am finding I am holding off on friends because in reality I’m not friends with myself at the moment. When I become more secure with myself and have a friendship with myself then I will be able to accept friends. I also have my parents and my family as companions in life.

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