Forcing a smile, dying inside

Sometimes I don’t know where or who to turn to. My in home counselor refers me to my therapist, my therapist refers me to my psychiatrist, they all refer me also to my case manager who refers me back to my in home counselor. Kinda confusing. It’s like no one can help me, nobody knows what to do. I keep trying to get them to understand that I’m being tipped over the edge by everything. I’m at the point to where I’m about to do something crazy. I try to tell them I need help and that I need to get out of my living situation because I’m going to do something crazy, but they’re not taking me seriously. They don’t ■■■■■■■ care if I do something damaging to myself or anything like that. They want me dead because that’s what the government wants.

Out of nowhere I just start crying, and then I’m ok, and then I’m crying again, then I’m in some sort of rage and I’m scared of myself, then I’m fine again. I feel unstable even for me, but I don’t look crazy so I appear to be ok. I have so many voices telling me what to do, and new ones coming into my head. My voices are turning violent, making me do things.

I called up someone in my “treatment team” crying and upset and I felt like she was laughing at me. She had no ■■■■■■■ clue of what to say. I’ll just sit across from her, inside my head just screaming, “omg help me please just help me!” But on the outside I’m smiling and acting like I’m fine. Which is my fault but I’m scared of going to the hospital.

I’ve lost control of my brain. I also feel that dead people are torturing me. And idk I think I needed to vent and get this out of my head.


sounds like you get a lot more help than what i do, i think you need all of those people helping you because what would you do if they were not there, would life be any better?

and they are in that job for a reason, same reason as me and that is to help people, they wouldn’t do it if they didn’t think they were making a difference to peoples mental health.

The only person I’ve been seeing really is my in home counselor. I haven’t seen my therapist in forever, and my psychiatrist, and the case manager I mentioned I speak with on the phone for like 5 min in a week.

whats an in home counsellor? sounds like he/she stays with you or something

i haven’t seen anyone for a while, i’m getting a new clinic

She comes to where I live instead of me driving to like an office. But idk really want I’m suppose to be doing with her. I feel like I just want someone to hear me out and listen to me and give me some advice maybe but instead it seems I’m not suppose to talk and were supposed to work on things like getting out of the house or making appointments. When I really need to know what to do she refers me to someone else. It makes me feel like nobody knows how to help me. It makes me feel like crying. I feel helpless.

This is a big problem for me, as well. When I was growing up, I wasn’t allowed to show any negative emotion. Anger and crying were both forbidden and would be met with physical punishment. By the time I was an adult I couldn’t cry in front of people anymore, I tend to dissociate around people and seem “fine” but when I’m alone everything starts to unravel. I find the only way I can ever really get my point across is to be very stubborn and kind of a pain in the ass. Since I don’t have normal human ways to elicit empathy from professionals, I just have to be the obnoxious patient that they just want to shut up instead.

Yeah when I’m alone I’m like very different too. I act fine around people, but as soon as they leave I begin crying or talking to my voices or myself. I just go into my room with the radio on and talk for hours to really nobody until the walls start talking back.

i get you now, ours were called community psychiatric nurses and i had a visit every week when i was ill, then every 2 weeks and then monthly, eventually she asked me if i needed her help anymore and i said no so all i have is my psychiatrist now and i am supposed to see him every 3 months.

What are you passionate about?
Sometimes occupying your mind with something of interest can be therapeutic.
Just keep your vibrations high and fast.
Don’t plant that seed of doubt.
Flourish in the world of optimism…or what I call the sunshine part of life


I relate. I too have a treatment team, very little of which I now make use of other than my peer support drive once a week if I’m not too anxious to make it. I too give off very little of what I feel inside, I guess I possess some inner strength or something. But I get home and lately I’ve been crying in fits on the couch or at night as I go to sleep. I have a cat so it’s not just me entirely the only living creature living here…but his cuddling moods last about five minutes at best, he’s good to have around though.

I don’t have a lot of positive coping methods to relate to you though…I drink, get stupid and say too much on the internet honestly. I’ve turned to reading prayers from various world religions…I’m not religious in any way I just find that there’s some form of inspiration there. I tend to isolate so I make myself get out and around people and have conversation whatever the topic.

But yes, get home and either cry or listen to chatter in my head is what I know these days, that’s why I drink which is why I get stupid which is why I feel ashamed in the morning. I don’t know, strength and optimism. Inner strength and optimism is whats got anyone out of any situation I believe, and there’s been some shitty situations in the history of humanity.

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Maybe these people really don’t know what to say to you - and I would think not the people to open up to, though I might be wrong. I’m just guessing at that.

I was briefly in a mental health system where I was ‘under’ various people. For one thing I didn’t think these people were very well versed or qualified in psychology. I got out of there fast + found a psychiatrist to prescribe meds, which is where I am now man years later.

But I think you should someone trustworthy to talk to. Hopefully someone you had the power to ‘fire’ and find someone else if they weren’t doing a good job.

Yeah I need to find something to occupy my time with I used to play a lot of piano and was constantly learning new songs but I stopped doing that, I’m really occupied by my mind lately that I find myself sitting in a room like thousands of miles away from reality. Which in kinda realizing.

Yeah I think they really don’t know what to say half the time. I feel like they aren’t even listening to me when I’m meeting with them in the first place.

I feel like I’m doing better today, and I know we’re not suppose to talk about suicide really I think. But I’ve been doing some really damaging things to myself lately, which I’ve told my counselor about. Like burning ■■■■ and hurting myself and getting on the roof to jump to God. But she says I’m ok so I guess I am but I still always feel like I’m going crazy like my new voice that I hear is trying to control me. The weather sucks too which has ■■■■■■ up my mood.

Dead people are not torturing you… dead people are dead they cannot hurt us.
Your torturing yourself by thinking it though…

Just like I know I’m not the antichrist but I torture myself by continuously thinking about my delusions and bringing them right back into conscious …

What do you do to not think about that? It’s like the idea or thought just pops into ur head one day or something like that and then it’s like everything else after that just confirms the ‘delusion’ and it just grows and you believe it more and more. This happens to me it seems constantly. Idk anymore what’s true and what isn’t but ur right were like torturing ourselves with this ■■■■.

They do say that idle hands are the devils playground. Maybe in constructing with your hands more you will construct more orderly what’s in your head. I think things out when I happen to be working. Or maybe work things out without thinking, sometimes

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Yeah I agree. I need to find something to do. Thanks for replying though :slight_smile:

Yea you should get back started with the piano. I always wanted to learn ,
Try to stay busy. If I sit in the room all day(which I love for now. ) then the past might start flashing back again . That’s the only seed. The day can…I just dozed off. The day can end up differently

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I agree.

EmilyTheStrange may have wholesome reading.

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