Decoding the Matrix-Still workin on it

Hello everyone. I hope a lot of you read this. I did a lot of work trying to reconcile my split mind, and grab control over the hallucinations and nonreality I’m stuck with. Lately, I’ve gone through a manic episode and so much turbulence. I’m gaining more and more awareness of what is causing the nonreality-every PSYCHOLOGICAL cause. I cannot even feel the reality of what I have done to my brain with Ativan and alcohol and Benadryl. So much corruption in my brain that my mind keeps me alive when I severely tranquilize myself to get peace.

It’s scary! Schizophrenia and the inability to only experience reality is SCARY and I admire Dark Sith for not being afraid! He is my inspiration.It’s debilitating, and it takes your life away. I have been opening up to everybody and outpouring of the things I held inside in shame, and it is so cleansing!

Last night I finally felt the reality of what I’d done to my brain. Ativan, passionflower, alcohol. I stumbled and tore a gash in my face, broke my glasses, knocked things over. I am still in an altered state. I still feel drunk. It’s FAKE! Voices came. I’m sick of this disease! I want stem cell treatments to repair the dysfunction in my mesolimbic and mesocortical systems that causes me to have nonreality. Dopamine type D2 antagonists restores it, but I want my brain fixed for real.There is so much damage to my brain from severe overstimulation, and I want it healed.

I want to share this with you. I love you all. I got into a crying drunk one night last year. “I wish I could save everybody from schizophrenia, and save them from these shitty F#@%$ meds!” I cried and sobbed. “If I could” by Regina Belle…

I am so full of love and compassion… I just need the serotonin that my body doesn’t produce so I can show it to everyone. There is either a biochemical or psychological root cause to all of your illnesses, and it can be found. someone just has to have the expertise and the caring to resolve it.

One day in my car, I caught “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran on the radio, and I burst into tears. I’m sick of hallucinations and psychosomatic illnesses ans BULLSPIT now I want my peace but I don’t want ANHEDONIA from D2 antagonism and weight gain from adrenergic and histamine antagonism. AAArgh.

Peace out, I love you all. Cyber hugs!:slight_smile:

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I know this disease sucks

The disease sucks - the meds that are supposed to treat the disease, suck even more

i am truly sorry you are hurting.
find a quiet place in a room , away from disturbance , sit on the ground and meditate, create one room in your head, a white room, no windows or doors.
imagine your self in this room, the voices will follow you in there, stimuli will follow you in there, it does not matter, imagine sitting there quietly even with every thing going on around you with in this room.
quite your mind stay focused on your posture, you may think wierd things , disregard them, carry on being focussed.
find time through out the day , or just once a day, or before sleep ( that is when i do it , the most ).
you will eventually regain your power and mind.
it takes a lot of practice…
perhaps seek out a meditation teacher or meditation c.ds or try a hypnotherapist they can take the edge off .
you will become unafraid
it does not mean it will go away, but the difference is you will be in control.
know some one cares .
take care

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I’ve reached medication brain destruction, i shan’t be decoding anything.

I won’t even remember writing this when i wake up.