Hello everyone. I hope a lot of you read this. I did a lot of work trying to reconcile my split mind, and grab control over the hallucinations and nonreality I’m stuck with. Lately, I’ve gone through a manic episode and so much turbulence. I’m gaining more and more awareness of what is causing the nonreality-every PSYCHOLOGICAL cause. I cannot even feel the reality of what I have done to my brain with Ativan and alcohol and Benadryl. So much corruption in my brain that my mind keeps me alive when I severely tranquilize myself to get peace.
It’s scary! Schizophrenia and the inability to only experience reality is SCARY and I admire Dark Sith for not being afraid! He is my inspiration.It’s debilitating, and it takes your life away. I have been opening up to everybody and outpouring of the things I held inside in shame, and it is so cleansing!
Last night I finally felt the reality of what I’d done to my brain. Ativan, passionflower, alcohol. I stumbled and tore a gash in my face, broke my glasses, knocked things over. I am still in an altered state. I still feel drunk. It’s FAKE! Voices came. I’m sick of this disease! I want stem cell treatments to repair the dysfunction in my mesolimbic and mesocortical systems that causes me to have nonreality. Dopamine type D2 antagonists restores it, but I want my brain fixed for real.There is so much damage to my brain from severe overstimulation, and I want it healed.
I want to share this with you. I love you all. I got into a crying drunk one night last year. “I wish I could save everybody from schizophrenia, and save them from these shitty F#@%$ meds!” I cried and sobbed. “If I could” by Regina Belle…
I am so full of love and compassion… I just need the serotonin that my body doesn’t produce so I can show it to everyone. There is either a biochemical or psychological root cause to all of your illnesses, and it can be found. someone just has to have the expertise and the caring to resolve it.
One day in my car, I caught “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran on the radio, and I burst into tears. I’m sick of hallucinations and psychosomatic illnesses ans BULLSPIT now I want my peace but I don’t want ANHEDONIA from D2 antagonism and weight gain from adrenergic and histamine antagonism. AAArgh.
Peace out, I love you all. Cyber hugs!