Wrote a scene for my story today am rather proud of it

Kind of long but if I broke it up it would ruin the flow of the scene.

“911 what is your emergency?” Heather answered yet another call to the 911 dispatch call.

“Oh.My.Dear.God!” a slightly older woman said into the phone. Heather could tell it was a cell phone call but the name coming up was unavailable.

“911, ma’am can you tell me what’s wrong?” Heather asked, a piddling of impatience in her voice, as she waited to input information for the call into the system.

“A car on High Way 270 Just rammed into the medium. It’s completely crushed. I almost ran into it myself, thank God my breaks worked.”

“We’re on 270 are you ma’am?”

There was a pause as Heather focused her attention on the several computer screens before her as she started listing the incident for dispatchers. Kavon had turned himself into mist form and was traveling through the phone into Heather’s unsuspecting body. His plan was going accordingly. He had finally gotten Nixie and Phoenix to give him their souls, and it was within calling distance to their estranged daughter Heather.

They were careful to keep Heather at a distance, but they still knew what was happening in her life, they knew where she lived, they knew where she worked. He just had to wait until they were able to connect with her. And to his own personal luck she happened to be the 911 dispatcher to answer the call from a panicked witness of his crime.

The woman gulped and said, “We’re not far from Missouri Bottom Road Bridge, heading west, we’re right before the big exit sign for 22b 370 West St. Charles County. I can see and read the three signs clearly.”

Heather thought for a moment, after five years on the job this should come naturally to her but her mind was running blank, she asked; “Is traffic stopped?”

“Not at the moment, people are going around us. There was a huge lightning bolt a few moments ago before the crash, maybe the driver got blinded or the rain caused him to lose control of the car. I mean he was speeding.”

“What kind of car is it?”

“Looks like a fairly newer Lexus model, silver.”

“Can you tell if the other driver is okay?”

“Him and the passenger don’t look to be moving, I’m afraid to get out of my car,” The woman said.

“Is it just the two in the car that appear injured?”

“Yes, I was driving right behind them and stopped before becoming involved. We’re lucky he didn’t hit anyone else while driving.”

“Hm,hm” Heather, halfheartedly, muttered as she entered the information into the system calling for dispatchers.

She felt as if she was forgetting something, but she couldn’t pin point what it was she was forgetting. She lightly strummed her fingers against the keyboard making sure not to hit them hard enough to enter any unwanted information.

She stretched her back as an abruptly sharp pain started from the base of her spine moved upward to the back of the neck entered her body. Heather could hear the light popping of the bones as she readjusted herself in her chair. She started longing for a break to come so she could walk around and really stretch.

Myron, Heather’s boss walked up in front of her, Heather stared at him blankly. She knew him, but for a brief moment couldn’t place his name. Fear washed over her, why is my mind so blank? “Myron,” she mumbled more to herself to him.

In his cold tone he asked, “are you with someone or just sitting there?”

At the same time, the woman on the other end asked, “Did you say something?”

Heather pointed to her headset indicating that she was on a call with a patient. Myron picked up an extra headset and decided to listen in. Just as he was getting the headset adjusted they both heard a loud squealing
of tires followed by a scream, and the woman Heather was talking to muttering, “Sweet Jesus!"

There was the sound of metal crunching into metal and glass breaking. Heather became alert at once, “Ma’am are you okay?”

There was silence, it unnerved her. Even cold, imperturbable Myron looked shocked for once. Heather’s voice squeaked as she asked, “Ma’am can you hear me?”

There was a cough, she could hear fumbling around then the coughing came closer. The woman, on the other end cried, “I just got hit!”

Heather blinked then asked as she typed, “Are you injured?”

“Th-there’s a piece of glass in the back of my skull! How the hell did that happen?” She cried, her voice more panicked than before.

It probably came from your back windshield dumbass, Heather almost said. She shook her head briefly wondering where the hostility came from, and bit her tongue. Instead of saying what she was thinking, she said,
“I have help on the way ma’am, try and remain calm.”

“Remain calm, with a piece of glass stuck in the back of my head? I can’t even grab a hold of it with my hands!”

The voice was starting to slur sounding more like I cann een grb hold of it wi my hands! This worried Heather as she entered for more assistance at the accident scene. “I’m feeling dizzy,” she slurred.

Heather worried how far in the piece of glass actually was, if it could have cracked the skull and gone into the brain…calm down Heather don’t panic. She thought most importantly stay calm for the caller, so she doesn’t freak out. “Ma’am, please, try and stay with me. I have help on the way. Can you tell me who hit you?”

There was a deafening silence on the other causing a cold chill to run down Heather’s spine. “A big black truck,” was all that was said. There were a couple of thuds, as if the phone dropped from her hand and hit a couple things on its way to the ground. A loud horn sounding, Heather could picture the woman with her head leaning on the horn of her car slumped over, possibly dead. Heather could hear sirens from the distance, Myron pulled his headset off.

“Ma’am are you still there?” Heather asked quietly. Her voice sounded like a small child’s. Beyond the shrieking of the horns and the sirens getting closer and closer there was silence. There was a tapping sound, and then
Heather felt someone tap her shoulder, making her jump, almost falling off her chair, as the phone clicked off. Myron was standing behind her.

Heather stood up not sure what to do, took of her headset and put it on the desk. She looked at her boss, of the past five years for guidance. All he said was “Take a break.” Then he walked off leaving Heather, to herself, surrounded by the few employees that worked beside her day in and day out. They blinked at each other not sure what to say.

Heather grabbed her purse and walked off. Take a break he said, she thought…that’s what I’m going to do.


The negative voices in my head are telling me it sucks and I should delete it but I don’t know. I think it’s pretty good…

I’d say congratulations to you, sohare1981. But my attention span is short, so your writing is too long for me to read it through. Reading something in English is pretty hard for me. What I am trying to write is in the language of Chinese. (-:

Yeah I know it’s one of the longer scenes in the novel. English is the only language I know…though I hope to learn more soon.

This is good. I’m really wondering what Kavon is going to do to Heather. There is a site on the internet called “writing.com” where for a small fee you can submit your work to be judged by other writers. If you give them twenty dollars, I think, you can submit up to fifty works of any length. I like it a lot.

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I’ve always wanted to write a novel but the one thing that holds me back is my lack of confidence in my knowledge of grammar.

It’s good, it reminds me of the movie The Call. Writing is a great hobby. I enjoy writing myself. My mom tells me I should be a technical writer because she likes the papers I write for school. My only criticism is to work on the grammar. I read a lot and have taken a lot of English classes, so mistakes are easy for me to see. That’s the easy part though. You did the hard part which is organizing the plot. Good luck! :sunny:

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Thanks for the feed backs :smile:

It’s one of my favorite scenes in the story, I’ve seen the call. though the book has little to do with her 911 dispatcher job it’s just her job that pays the bills and how she and the demon Kavon get connected, besides the fact that Nixie and Phoenix are her birth parents. I’ve also read several books on being a 911 dispatcher because I’ve never held the position and I wanted it to be as realistic as possible.

I really liked it! The chain of events and pace of the action really entertained me.

I’d say “Keep it up!” You’re doing a great job :slight_smile: