Worried about being well

its hard enough trying to stay on top of this illness without the added pressure of worrying about what people think if they think you are well,

this may sound stupid but i think it is a big problem for me and i guess maybe others as well.

as you all know i am pretty stable on a good med and to the normal person i look like an ordinary person without any problems, but i do have problems, problems that they cant see, it is an invisible disease with me and just because it is not apparent that doesnt mean that there is nothing wrong.

i go to church and volunteer, people see me all the time and i seem ok at college no-one would suspect unless i told them and this makes it even more difficult, i have an illness but it is invisible just now because i am stable and high functioning.

i worry that i am committing fraud and that i will lose my home and benefits, i also worry about what people think about me and why i dont work, i worry about what would happen if i met someone and how they would take it when i told them, i also worry about using my free travel card in case i get questioned,
and i dont want people thinking they need to give me special treatment because of it as well.

i also get penalized because my care time think i dont need a nurse and sometimes i do but they dont care about me that much anymore.

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Before I got this job and it had a good insurance package, I was feeing the same way. I was well enough to feel like I was too well for what I was getting, but I still have my diagnosis, I still have my doctors records.

I was lucid enough to care what people thought about me and it was killing my self-esteem to think of myself as a sponge. But I still have my diagnosis. I would go to the community center and try and get back into art because it was easy to say I was an artist who was in between jobs. It also got me interested in getting the job I had because I was feeing so low.

But you have your diagnosis for a reason. You’re on that brink of remission. They can’t take your past or your illness away from you. You have your home for 6 more months and you are still working towards getting better. You might want to talk to your case worker about your concerns… you and I are NOT the only ones who have gotten well enough to function but still need some extra help. People who know the paper work should be able to answer some questions and ease your mind.

As far as the visiting nurse or care time… my nurse did still care about me… but there are so few of them and 1,000s of us…

My nurse kept saying that other people who were so much worse off with no friends or family needed them more then I did. It didn’t make it easy, but I can’t argue with it. So I just started going to my therapist more.

I hope you get some answers soon that will help you make a good next step.

The goal for anyone diagnosed with this illness is to live the life that is right for you. That’s what Elyn Saks had to say about schizophrenia in the last pages of her memoir, and I think it is the best advice I have heard and invaluable because she has a severe case and is incredibly highly functioning, she is a professor and went to Oxford. You sound like you are living the right life for you- don’t measure yourself to normal people, I don’t. I can be measured against normal people, but I measure myself against my own standards of myself.

You don’t need to worry about your benefits and disability bureaucratic stuff- if you are diagnosed, you get benefits. I myself don’t because I live with my parents and am only 20 years old.

i’m just trying to get on with things but you always get those awkward, uncomfortable questions,

people are naturally inquisitive, curious, and want to know more about people they are talking to, they ask me what i do sometimes and i just have to be honest and say i am unemployed just now and give them a reason or say i am going back to college soon or something.

its like a catch22 again, if i try and work i might get my benefit cut and then if i get made unemployed i could be on the street, i just dont know what i can do, i was volunteering today but had to leaave early because my heart/chest pain came back and it was hurting (worse its been) i havent had to leave early before because of that, but how can i work if i keep getting that, i wish i was back at college.

things are just meaningless just now i think, idk whats going to make me feel good

I hope you don’t mind my post coffee pondering, but I think you might be hitting a patch of what I call
“land of the lost”

Do you feel like your sort of in between things? You feel well enough to want to be useful but not having anything to do is energy draining. Be careful my friend because this ennui can slid deeper if you get down on yourself.

Don’t get down on yourself. Do not feel guilty for getting better and for continuing to try and do so. There is also a lot of anxiety to this time. I remember when I would feel better, so I would really try and push myself harder then before and try and do new stuff, but the anxiety kicks in and it makes it hard and my brain says… see… see, you’re still not well.

But I am well, I just tried to do too much too fast. It took so much time for me to learn how to be patient with myself.

I hope you find that calm soon and are able to be patient and kind to yourself as you are to others.

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You could go back to college as part-time as you need to + spend time thinking about what you want to do with your future, and how much of that you realistically can do.

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Just think about it this way:
It’s none of their business. If they ask just shrug your shoulders and say “I don’t know” or “Why? What did I do?” It will make you sound awkward but people probably won’t question it.
Just think about this. What if you were gay? (There is nothing wrong with being gay, but it carries a stigma almost as bad or worse than mental illness where I live). Would you introduce yourself like this:
Hi, I’m daydreamer. I’m gay.
Probably not. Even if you were talking to someone accepting unless you wanted to talk to them about that in particular I doubt you would really mention it. Not because gay is wrong or weird, but because people just usually keep that stuff to themselves unless they know the other person and think they are cute and want to see if they might think the same, or they might be telling a friend who doesn’t know but would probably like to know because you have reached a level of friendship where you swap personal stories. Or if you are having an argument where someone is saying something untrue about gay people and you know because you are gay they are wrong.
In other words being gay, schizophrenic, bipolar, Jewish, Muslim, in some places Christian, anything outside of the norm like that that other people might discriminate against you or even when you know they won’t it’s your personal business. You can tell people who you want to know but it is not imperative that absolutely everyone knows.

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thanks onceapoet, i know what you mean but it looks really bad when someone asks you what you do and you just shrug and say nothing, i try to tell them or let them know that i am trying my best to do something, whether it is driving or college or volunteering, i know it is none of there business but i dont want to come off as a leech,

because i am doing a bit better people think i should be working and i should be off of benefits and i keep thinking someone is going to confront me about it or tell the government i am being fraudulent somehow and i am also very worried someone is going to tell my housing association i am perfectly normal and that may affect my claim or place on the housing list or something,

the thing i am trying to say is- how can i have a mental illness but be perfectly normal at the same time?
i mean if i didnt take my med i’d be bat ■■■■ crazy but i do and i am pretty normal with little to no symptoms now except the pain in my chest which i dont know if that is related that i get sometimes.

people only see black and white, left or right, good or bad,

so with them it is a choice- mentally ill or normal (not mentally ill)

there is no in-between for people, they dont see the transition, they dont see what is underneath, they dont know how hard it is for me and how i can only do so much before i cant function anymore,

maybe i am not as high functioning as i think, i have a window of opportunity as i call it when i can function properly but if i do to much outside of that time frame then i need to go home as soon as possible, thats why i want to go back to college because it was helping me keep that window open like a breath of fresh air.

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