(Sorry for so many thread posts lately maybe I’m catching up for lost time har har)
I’ve been discussing in therapy how ever since I was little (like 5-6 years old) I’ve dealt w this “force” (dunno what else to call it) in my dreams that was incredibly sadistic. Like I’d experience these graphic extremely disturbing scenarios a little kid should not be able to imagine & then at the end I’d feel this force laughing at me, enjoying that I was suffering, trying to make me feel worse by saying I could have prevented whatever had happened. Even when I’d try to stand up to it, it would try to change the dream to where it was disturbing.
Like one time (I don’t remember my exact age but was still young enough to be taking baths w brother closest in age to me, so no older than 6…) in dream I was bathing w brother & he slipped and I heard a cracking and saw his body contort like his neck/spine had broken. Feeling angry I yelled at the dream that this didn’t scare me. And it contorted him again (my 2 or 3 year old bro), snapping his spine a different way. I continued to yell it didn’t scare me and it kept breaking him until I woke up.
Or sometimes I’d think I would be having a good dream & then the force would be like surprise! It’s a bad one. Again the strong sense I was being laughed at. Later on this force would become very present in my psychosis as the “demons” and is something I still fight with today. I’ve just never understood it.
Therapist said it maybe came from a feeling of needing to be punished. But as a child I did not feel the need to be punished. Furthermore again the force was not a stern reprimanding one (though I’ve faced that as well) but a sadistic one, not punishing me but rather tormenting me for its own enjoyment.
Anyways. Bizarre. My head is wonky.
Summary: Since I was small child felt sadistic outside presence that seemed to cause & control my nightmares. Later force manifested in outward reality as demons when I had my first major psychotic episode & still manifests as them today. Wondering what the (psychological) source behind this is.
