Wish I could be true

All my life since schizophrenia I’m struggling to be “my self”…
What I mean, I don’t have money for therapist, and spend hours a day thinking how I behaved to other people, my childhood, how I changed from then, deeply analizing every moment alone or with other people, and often blame my self for mistakes I made.
This could go forever. I don’t have TV, don’t play games and still found that in contact with normal people Ivm missing things.
Not everyone is ready to talk to me.
Last thing that happeed is that in neighbours apartment, while talking to his little daughter and trying to understand what she is saying, his wife start explaining and I sad, not intentionally “shut up” to her…
She didn’t hold the grudge, but I apologized every time since it happened.
I don’t even go to them any more.
Maybe it was moment, but it shouldn’t happen.
I wish I’m more spontanious in conversation, but seems my frustration is winning…

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Is there a clubhouse near you?

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I checked. No clubhouses in Belgium. Bummer

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Thanks for checking @Jonathan2

@anon42606141, please look into places for mentally ill people who need to socialize. I think getting out of your past and into the present is really important. Having new relationships will do that for you

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I don’t like to be around lot of people.
I got sick people who I can see or call, but I want some kind of integration in society.
I’m ok with my neighbours, but groups we have here are opposite of what I want.
They paint something, and then sell it.
Also, here I feel community…

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I’m glad you feel community. That’s a good step towards recovery

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