Schizophrenia.com

Wish I could be a bum

And live at home with my mums. But she makes me work, volunteer and go to school. And helps pay for me to live on my own in my apartment. But I wish I could be a bum and just stay at home. She puts pressure on me to strive and succeed in life. Everyone does from my portion of the globe. I’m a LAZY person, but about 13 times a day I feel the pressure to succeed and tell myself I’m gonna do this, do that, but then I’m like nahhhhhh I can’t do it. I don’t wanna do anything but be a bum really. Huff Huff.

But then again I get bored easily too.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

If I could turn to morphine pills and do nothing all day it would be the ideal lifestyle but nahhhhhh, never gonna do that either because I know that’s bad. At least there’s some sense of what’s right in me. Even if it’s only half the sense. Sick and tired of being sick and tired lately. I’m gonna go eat an apple because I like fruit.

I’m a bum but not by choice. I want to work but my symptoms are too disabling. I’m hoping medications, exercise, and supplements help me. I just need to learn to eat better.

You just said a mouthful and im going to go eat something also., but its not my pride …

I do want to work, but I’d be lying if I said that I never though about being a bum and not having a life. I used to be motivated by pride to be successful, but now I’m barely motivated by not wanting to be a burden on other people or live in the closet for the rest of my life. The thing is I think more than half my family has schizophrenia and if I don’t get a job, then one day all the pressure is going to be on my two siblings to support me. It’s possible that my cousins might take us in, but I really don’t want to be a burden. I guess my motivation to some extent is still pride, but not pride in my work, but pride in not wanting to be dependent on anyone. right now I’m only taking two classes, and I don’t volunteer and I live at home with my family. I used to be motivated by wanting to be the top ten percent at everything, and now that I’m probably in the bottom ten percent is really demoralizing. I don’t know. I spent a year off, and then a year later when I dropped a math class, I wanted to commit suicide because I thought I was going to be living in the closet for the rest of my life. All I really remember writing before marching off to commit suicide was that I didn’t want to be a burden or a closet case monster. I marched back because I thought about my family and then went to the mental hospital. If I could be a bum and somehow simultaneously not a burden or on the street I would probably do it. Actually if I had another type of disability that garners sympathy instead of fear, I’d probably want to be a bum.

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Same here: bottom 10 percent.

I’ve met some people who don’t care if their kids live… die… or bugger off…

School will help you make writing contacts and get your work out there…

volunteering will help you sort of observe people for character development…

The work… well… that’s sort of unavoidable in life… even bums have to do something for food and clothing.

It seems like your going through a bit of a slump lately…

Don’t get caught up in the negative thinking… hope you feel better soon.

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Thanks I’m feeling a little better today.

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