Schizophrenia.com

Why won't bad stuff stop happening?

I had a really bad appointment with my pdoc. This was my second time seeing her and the appointment was supposed to be a half hour. It lasted twenty minutes because the whole time she was pushing me out the door. She was not listening to me. When I told her how bad my anxiety is and how my panic attacks last for hours, she basically told me there was nothing she was going to do, as she refuses to prescribe benzos and wouldn’t even give me Visteril, and I basically have to deal with it. I told her about the problems I’ve been having with hallucinations and low motivation and she brushed it off as that’s going to happen. I feel like the whole time I was with her she was looking at the clock. I came home determined to find a private psychiatrist. I called a bunch and one seemed perfect as he takes Medicare and has experience with sz. Also he has been practicing for 51 years, but he’s not accepting new patients. I talked to a private psychiatrist not far from me and once I told him I have Medicaid he said he couldn’t help me even though I would pay out of pocket. So now I have to go to a psychiatrist who at least takes Medicare. Should I lie to the others and tell them I have no insurance so I at least have a chance at seeing a decent pdoc?

Where I’ve been going for the past four years is a mental health factory. I did have an awesome doctor for years who left the facilityto work at the prison, and everyone else I’ve encountered is horrible. Before I saw that doctor I saw one who took me off all of my antipsychotics and put me on a low dose of Haldol. I ended up in the hospital standing in the corner rocking and talking to the demon. It’s a mental health factory. They bring volumes of people in and push them out the door. You better not be suffering because they don’t care. How could you go into a helping profession and not help people?

I’m willing to pay out of pocket and travel, but everything is working against me. Life keeps throwing me obstacles. There are good things. School is going well, my GPA is 3.97, but I’m out of aid starting in May and will have to figure that out. Things are going awesome with Jason, we just got back from vacation and had an awesome time. Yesterday I was talking to my friend, who I used to date, and her and her wife have known Jason for years. My friend asked me how the sex was with Jason and I made a comment and said something about when her and I slept together. The next message was from her wife and she said I was being inappropriate. WTF?!? I’ve never had a friend that I had to censor what I say. Then they both blocked and unfriended me on Facebook. Jason talked to my friend’s wife and she said she was upset with me, but he said not to worry about it. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I know my social skills suck so maybe I’m even more ignorant at socializing then I thought.

I feel like I always have to fight. About a month ago I decided to stop chanting, as I was a Buddhist. Is this the universe’s way of blackmailing me, “if you don’t practice this religion bad stuff will happen.” I felt like that with Christianity, “if you don’t believe in Jesus you will burn in hell for eternity.” I don’t want my faith to be about blackmail. I’m so confused about many things. I feel so hopeless. If it wasn’t for my mom and my family I would kill myself. I’m trying so hard to do the right things, but I’m facing so much resistance. I don’t know what to do. To top it off I had major computer problems today and everything on my iPod Touch was erased in addition to my laptop needing to refresh because it wasn’t restarting and I lost things. I fixed the computer errors and got everything back on my iPod. What’s going to happen next? :partly_sunny:

Sorry things are going so badly for you @SunGirl. I hope you are able to find a psychiatrist who will actually listen to you and help you. Also sorry about your friends unfriending you on facebook and all of that. I hate that way of feeling blackmailed by religion. Like if you don’t go to Sunday Mass, your life will be doomed. Some people actually feel you deserve a bad life if you don’t go to Sunday Mass, especially religious people. They can be bad influences.

I am glad that you have your Mom and your family. I am glad that they’re there to help.

1 Like

Remember, as a Buddhist that the central aspect to the universe is impermanence and that is the cause of your suffering. Even if you had all the wealth and power in the world, you would not be able to create a permanent and eternally sustainable perfect moment.

I know it is hard and might sound unkind but remember Buddhism teaches that you can’t escape suffering. The universe isn’t blackmailing you. It doesn’t have a vested interest in your joy or sorrow. Things just happen. By learning to deal with suffering, it can be overcome.

Joy exists in every moment if you look for it. By focusing on the present moment we let go of worries about the future and the pains of the past.

6 Likes

Hope. Things will get better, if not today, then tomorrow. Keep this in your mind. My doctor gave my Vistaril instead of Ativan, and made my Klonopin twice a day instead of PRN. Vistaril will sedate you, so watch that if you are going to school (set very loud alarms). I hope a doctor can find medications which will suit you.

1 Like

Hey, life is not a happy place, I guess we all know that already, all what we can do is to be ready to get up every time life pushes us…that’s all, be strong and you’ll be happy :slight_smile:

My psychiatrist does the same thing. I tell her about my depression, low motivation etc… She behaves and responds like I have schizoaffective disorder - this is what is expected - deal with it and she does not do much about it - not searching for a medical solution/treatment for me. I do realize that my case is difficult, but still.
There are good things going your way too @SunGirl - your boyfriend, your GPA etc… Just hang in there and I am sure you will find the right psychiatrist.

2 Likes

More crap, you can bet on it.
One TINY thing that helps me is I think of when I first got sick when it’s at it’s worst. Now I am a hundred times better and I feel lucky.
I think Futomimi and you have got something there with the Buddhist teachings. I doubt you are being singled out. All of us go through horrible times. But we just go through them at different times.

3 Likes

@SunGirl,

Oh man, I am so sorry you are getting thrown more curve balls.

As far as the doc, I’m sorry you have such a dud who won’t listen. You’re right by finding a new one.
One will come to you soon I’m sure. If you can maybe contact your old doc by e-mail for a referral idea?

The “friends” who ask you about your sex life and then get offended… it’s their loss, not yours. They ask a personal question like that… then react poorly? I’m sorry they are the ones acting like high schoolers.

I wish I had some ideas for you concerning the school funding. You’re working the best you can with scholarships. I hope something comes your way soon.

The amount your alloted reset in the new year? Or is this for the entire collage stint?

3 Likes

Things are always happening-all you can do is solve one thing at a time-as it comes up.
I hope you find a good doctor soon! Do you go by yourself? maybe take someone with you next time-both of you can yell at the doc :wink:
Think of the good time you had in Atlantic City when you`re stressing…**

3 Likes

@SunGirl This may seem silly. You probably didn’t notice but it has been bothering me and I don’t know if I’ll get to sleep without saying it.

I think I need to apologize to you for my last post. I believe what I said. However I think it was not appropriate at the time. You are having difficulties and you feel upset. You have every right to feel upset. I should not have possibly added to it by giving a mini sermon. You are here because you need support and to give support to others like ourselves. I forgot that. That should always be the top priority even if we share similar philosophical beliefs.

I guess I part way said it because I’m somewhat new to Buddhism. I have not spoken to another Buddhist yet and when I saw the opportunity I was excited to mention it, so I pounced. It’s not that Buddhism philosophy can’t be useful even to nonBuddhists. But it is important to understand the nature and situation of the person you are talking to. Someone taught me that lesson very well when I was much younger.

I’m certain you are more mindful and skillful than me. You did not need a refresher in the truth of suffering and impermanence. You needed someone to listen to you. I should have said something supportive and encouraging like everyone else. Please forgive me.

1 Like

Thanks for the replies everyone! I feel much better today.

Thanks so much for that J. That’s true we were talking about something personal and when I gave a personal response her wife flipped. What really hurts is my friends always leave me. With being two hours away from Philly now they just stopped talking to me. My mom says it’s out of sight out of mind. There are friends I’ve made over the years down here in Cape May and the one girl who I was developing a close relationship with just stopped talking to me one day. Other people I’m friends with on Facebook, but never talk to them anymore. I feel cursed and wonder if Jason will one day stop talking to me. That was an excellent point you made though, it really changed my perspective. Financial aid said in May my aid will run out and I get done school in September. Turns out there is a lifetime cap on loans, and a limit on grants. Thankfully I only have one year of school left. I just increased my status to full time and saw that my request went through and the new session that starts today had the two classes instead of one. I increased my load the other day and wasn’t sure if the request would go through in time.

@bridgecomet My mom will occasionally go with me, but most times I do go by myself. I’m not going back there. I’m going to find a new doctor. I was thinking of AC, but the negative thoughts kept creeping in and overwhelming me.

@Futomimi Thank you for your apology. Your first post was hard to focus on because I was not thinking straight when I read it. I practice Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism via the Soka Gakkai and we talk about suffering through the concept of the ten worlds, the lowest world being hell and the highest world being Buddhahood. When you chant you raise your life condition so you can be in hell but experience it in a state of Buddhahood. My mom said the universe is not blackmailing me, but because I stopped chanting my vibrational level is lower and I am attracting negative things. What school of Buddhism do you practice?

Again everyone thank you for your support! :sunny:

2 Likes

@SunGirl I am a Zen Buddhist, part of Mahayana Buddhism. This might be a weird reference but if any of you read older Forgotten Realms (Dungeons & Dragons) book you will get the story. In the second or third book of The Dark Elf Trilogy, a dark elf named Drizzt escapes to the surface world. He escaped because he did not have the same beliefs or mannerisms as his evil kin. He finds this old hermit who is a follower of a benevolent goddess of rangers. The old man tells Drizzt that the person should choose their religion, the religion shouldn’t choose the person. That really stuck with me. Zen Buddhism just fits with me. And I’m glad you found one that fits with you.

1 Like

I don’t know much about Zen to be honest with you, but Nichiren Daishonin’s Buddhism is part of the Mahayana sect. Nichiren Daishonin lived in 12th century Japan and studied all of the Buddha’s teachings. He found the law of the universe contained in the Lotus Sutra. We chant the title Nam Myoho Renge Kyo which means dedication to the mystic law of cause and effect through sound vibration. We also chant portions of the Lotus Sutra. Buddhism is so much deeper then any other religion I’ve studied. They all can get deep, but Buddhism goes from the workings of the universe to the workings of the world to individual lives. The leader of the Soka Gakkai, which is the lay organization of Nichiren Daishoin’s Buddhism, who is President Ikeda meets with world leaders in an effort to promote world peace. That’s interesting about the book you mentioned. When I was down yesterday, I was looking for the religion to choose me. In a turn of events today I feel I am choosing my religion. Although religion carries such harsh connotations. It’s more spirituality where you experience what you believe in. :sunny:

@SunGirl I’m always looking for a new book on any form of Buddhism. Is there a particularly good one you would suggest?

I agree with you about the spirituality and the harsh connotations too. I grew up agnostic in southern Baptist land. I don’t have a problem with Christians. I respect the faith and most of the people. This one woman I went to college with was a devout Catholic. She kind of showed me the grace of religion. She exemplified what a Christian should be. We would have these long debates after Chemistry. She always listened to me and never proselytized at me. She believed what she did but she always showed everyone love and respect. After her I respected religious people more. I didn’t understand them but I respected them. I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of religious intolerance. I think that tainted my view of religion until I found one that fit me.

Siddhartha is a 1922 novel by Hermann Hesse and is awesome. It’s about the original Buddha. Another one I really like, which is easier to read, is the Buddha in Your Mirror by Woody Hochswender, Greg Martin, & Ted Morino. I want to read both of those again as they really touched me. At our community center we have a great bookstore with a lot to buy. It’s small, but has a lot.

That must have been hard growing up in the southern Baptist land. I have found that people who are Evangelical are extreme and judgmental. I became “born again” when I was 16. The people were nice and preached a God who was love. I got really into it. When I was 18 I went to a bible college, and found I missed studying math and science. The classes were interesting though. One class was dedicated to the Torah, the first five books of the bible. I left the college after a year, but stayed connected to my church. In my mid twenties I moved in with some girls I went to church with, who I thought were my friends, while my mom moved two hours away. For a year I did well. I had gone off all my meds and eventually broke. I moved down with my mom. I would call and text the people, who I thought were my friends, and they never responded. These were people I had become close to. I went on a missionary trip with some to Africa, and I never heard from any of them. This caused me to examine my Christian beliefs. I began to see the contradictions, not only in the bible, but in the Christian view points of the world.

I think Buddhism is more up my alley. I no longer think there is one true path for everyone. If someone is struggling or asks I will tell them about my beliefs, but I will no longer push my beliefs down people’s throats. To each his own. Good discussion @Futomimi ! :sunny:

1 Like

@SunGirl I will add those to my reading list. Unfortunately Critique of Pure Reason by Kant is first. I am rather afraid of it. Even the front cover says ‘I am going to be difficult to read and digest.’

1 Like