I had a really bad appointment with my pdoc. This was my second time seeing her and the appointment was supposed to be a half hour. It lasted twenty minutes because the whole time she was pushing me out the door. She was not listening to me. When I told her how bad my anxiety is and how my panic attacks last for hours, she basically told me there was nothing she was going to do, as she refuses to prescribe benzos and wouldn’t even give me Visteril, and I basically have to deal with it. I told her about the problems I’ve been having with hallucinations and low motivation and she brushed it off as that’s going to happen. I feel like the whole time I was with her she was looking at the clock. I came home determined to find a private psychiatrist. I called a bunch and one seemed perfect as he takes Medicare and has experience with sz. Also he has been practicing for 51 years, but he’s not accepting new patients. I talked to a private psychiatrist not far from me and once I told him I have Medicaid he said he couldn’t help me even though I would pay out of pocket. So now I have to go to a psychiatrist who at least takes Medicare. Should I lie to the others and tell them I have no insurance so I at least have a chance at seeing a decent pdoc?
Where I’ve been going for the past four years is a mental health factory. I did have an awesome doctor for years who left the facilityto work at the prison, and everyone else I’ve encountered is horrible. Before I saw that doctor I saw one who took me off all of my antipsychotics and put me on a low dose of Haldol. I ended up in the hospital standing in the corner rocking and talking to the demon. It’s a mental health factory. They bring volumes of people in and push them out the door. You better not be suffering because they don’t care. How could you go into a helping profession and not help people?
I’m willing to pay out of pocket and travel, but everything is working against me. Life keeps throwing me obstacles. There are good things. School is going well, my GPA is 3.97, but I’m out of aid starting in May and will have to figure that out. Things are going awesome with Jason, we just got back from vacation and had an awesome time. Yesterday I was talking to my friend, who I used to date, and her and her wife have known Jason for years. My friend asked me how the sex was with Jason and I made a comment and said something about when her and I slept together. The next message was from her wife and she said I was being inappropriate. WTF?!? I’ve never had a friend that I had to censor what I say. Then they both blocked and unfriended me on Facebook. Jason talked to my friend’s wife and she said she was upset with me, but he said not to worry about it. I don’t understand what I did wrong. I know my social skills suck so maybe I’m even more ignorant at socializing then I thought.
I feel like I always have to fight. About a month ago I decided to stop chanting, as I was a Buddhist. Is this the universe’s way of blackmailing me, “if you don’t practice this religion bad stuff will happen.” I felt like that with Christianity, “if you don’t believe in Jesus you will burn in hell for eternity.” I don’t want my faith to be about blackmail. I’m so confused about many things. I feel so hopeless. If it wasn’t for my mom and my family I would kill myself. I’m trying so hard to do the right things, but I’m facing so much resistance. I don’t know what to do. To top it off I had major computer problems today and everything on my iPod Touch was erased in addition to my laptop needing to refresh because it wasn’t restarting and I lost things. I fixed the computer errors and got everything back on my iPod. What’s going to happen next?