This is mainly to you, @notmoses, and for @sarad who suffers the same I do with an overbearing mother, don’t give up on your family. I know they may have caused you grief as a child, and can’t always relate to your moods, but family is all we got, and mine has been 100 percent supportive of my kids, and anything I may wish to do. They aren’t perfect, as I’m not perfect, but I couldn’t imagine life without them.
I didn’t give up on my family. They have given up on me.
It’s never too late to change that. As @soitgoes said, drama isn’t my thing, maybe you don’t want to create a fuss, but it does help to clear the air. I had to convince my parents to stop throwing me under the bus to everybody else in the family, and then, they did what I asked. Sometimes it works, not always.
I don’t think that our parents can completely understand us, because we are different, or that we don’t follow them. You don’t have to. Just be you. And if being you is a problem for You, then offer them a different scenario.
I know my father gets on me to my kids about me having boyfriends, but you know screw it, he had girlfriends all through my childhood. It doesn’t make me a lesser mother. I’ve recently talked to my daughter about how this made her feel, my boyfriends, (and there weren’t too many) if it was trying to replace her father, and she said no, he chose to be gone, I just knew you wanted love.
she’s the best. I mean, if my parents could love me, the way my kids love me, wouldn’t it be great! Sara, don’t you do the same they did to you. Just be very kind and loving, cuz you can’t make up for what they are doing to you, by doing it back to them. Your son will pick up on this.
And to answer to your question: why we need our families?
I need them for understanding. And support.
I need their unconditional love. I need someone to talk to without being judged.
I don’t need criticism, shaming, blaming and smashing back to the past with their resentments.
I don’t need to bear their own missed chances.
As the matter of fact, im so sick of her lecturing that I choose hell instead of purgatory.
Well, ok, I’m not sure how to answer, but they must be assuming a role as “parent” and not as “friend”
it can be tricky, but no, you don’t deserve to feel shame and blaming, and I can accept your position. but what are they doing for you, externally? Are they giving you food sometimes? Helping with your son? Being in a position of health instead of bad thinking? Are they there for you when you need something done at your apartment? These things always compel me to think of them, as people, and not my own desired end.
I agree, there is a financial side of it, but the price is very high. For me at least.
I’ll find you a part of my writings where I tried to describe someone how it looks like when I talk with my mother.
This was last week.
"Yesterday i was at my mum’s and we did some work around the house, then made a coffee and start a small talk. Eventually moved to the ‘parents&kids’ topic and I sort of felt a bit of closeness to her. Then I thought I could tell her what is really going on with me right now, as she was just talking about openness and trust. So I started with: you know, mum, me and the D.(bf) …
She immediately interrupted me.
"Oh its nice that you mentioned him because I was just about to tell you that I don’t want to know about that loser, that was your choice and now you deal with it. I told you long ago that he was no good… " and so on for a few more minutes when I couldn’t listen to it anymore. I whispered that I’m feeling sick, grabbed my bag and went out, followed with her voice: “that’s what your father has always done. Leave and run”.
Yesterday I asked her, hypothetically, if I was in emergency and needed to stay with her, how would she feel about it, and she was like, I wouldn’t let you to live with me until you first clean the ■■■■ you’ve done so far and I don’t want to take pills ( meaning antidepressants) because of you again…
Good lord. She can have full conversations with almost no input with you. She sounds almost like a - a child’s toy, or a computer program, where you make one small input and step back and watch how the lights flash and she spins around.
Yeah. First thing is to hear her out, and not leave. I mean, my family and I always fight it out. Let her have her say, and then explain that she could be wrong, she could have an erred judgment because she thinks I am better than that, that I deserve better, but offer her the truth, about how things are progressing.
I’ve brought guys home to my parents, guys I didn’t sleep with, but met on occasion, and they know that I have a long track record of men that are adorned but I treat not so good. They equally feel sorry for the men, and then criticize me, but hey, if he kisses like my brother, he’s outta there! Ha.
I would try to just establish that you have your own controls, I think you may have done this about leaving abruptly, but also, that her opinion matters. She may have gone against you because she felt that you were too impressionable, and should use so sort of standard slam in your face that would correct you. It didn’t work, and she will be mulling over how it didn’t work, but don’t stop getting close, because you guys are getting there.
Family is very important.
I know this because i’ve never really had one.
We be your family, @pansdisease. So glad you decided to stay.
I didn’t decide to stay actually.
I left and all was barren so i came back.
I’m glad you did. I’m glad Sarad did, too.
@Rhubot It’s probably because of her recently discovered catholicism.
And Daze I forgot to tell you…it’s nice that you care.
Passing the time with us is better than passing through a barricade of police. Of course, I’ve never tried it, but I would imagine it wouldn’t be fun.
The most useful thing I’ve ever learned about parental failures is, tell yourself a story. Tell yourself a story about why your parents did the things they did to you, one that makes sense and is consistent and lets you let it go. It works best if there is some truth to it, but it really doesn’t matter if it’s the full truth - the story is for you, not her.
I’m sorry she’s so painful to deal with right now. I hope it won’t always be so.
we think parents are wise when we are young…
when we grow old we realise they are flawed ’ creatures '.
- put down some ground rules with your mother…e.g she must be supportive not negative.
- limit your time there to a couple of hours…your mother should in theory be able to keep it together for this time period.
- if she is negative within the two hour period…no matter what the circumstances you get up and go.
your mother needs to learn to respect you as an adult.
- respect goes both ways.
- be discerning about the topic of conversation…e.g boyfriends etc…
- try and find a mentor…parent figure…as your mother is not able to provide this guidance for you.
if you cannot in physical form find someone , there are many inspirational women young and old who can guide you through the written word.
e.g mother teresa
angelina jolie…( her UN work…not her acting )
aung san suu kyi
dr catherine hamlin
all amazing women to look up to.
Thank you so much @darksith
You’re the only one who never thought bad about me.
I never thought bad about you
I need my family, mainly my immediate and maternal family because they’re awesome and proud of me and they encourage me to keep up what I am good at.