Why I've been gone

I was afraid that this site was triggering my sz. The first time I got on here I read about someone seeing a cat that wasn’t there and I saw a cat about five minutes later. I had been doing research for a story so I didn’t read any more on here.
It seems that the Diagnosed side has turned more towards daily life than hallucinations. I was afraid that I had been drawing some of other people’s problems into my life through the power of suggestion so I got off here. I knew if I wrote some mopey dopey good bye letter I would probably be back on tomorrow. That just seems to be the way that works.
But I’ve started to feel like other people don’t understand. Like I can say something on here and you guys seem to understand it for some reason. If I have a problem odds are good that someone on here has had that problem too and can sympathize and offer advice. Like I don’t have to act extra over the top zany and weird and happy all the time here because it isn’t expected that I act a certain way that I am incapable of acting. I act “funny harmless crazy” at school a lot to make everyone else laugh so that they won’t see how broken I am. I can pretend I was trying to be funny when I really didn’t understand what was expected of me in that situation. I have taken on a new person. A new face at school. It comes off when I get to go home and see C. He takes the time and explains what is going on (or what just went on) to me.
And I have gotten addicted to playing my part. I like making other people smile and giggle. I like being extremely weird. But it’s an act. It’s all an act. I usually don’t have anything nice to say because I don’t think there is anything nice about most people. But if I see someone, anyone, crying my heart just goes out to them and I give it my all to cheer them up. (It works much better with people who are about to cry than people who actually are crying).
But most of all, I like silence. I like being alone. I don’t like small talk and I am bad at it. If I talk I like to talk about issues and things that matter, or even about the other person. But this talking about nothing that people often do? I can’t do it. The concept just eludes me. I feel like I’m wearing a mask that is attaching itself to my face and I don’t know if I need to take it off or not.

I’m not good at people things. I wondered where you were.

Do you not like small talk because you’re bad at it? Or do you just plain don’t like it? I’m not the biggest social animal either, but I find the more I interact with people the happier I am. I almost always feel better after accomplishing something like a social outing. It clears my mind and I come back to my house friendlier and more tolerant of other people and ready to get along with my neighbors. But at the same time I value my alone time. I guess it’s all about striking a balance. But it sounds like you have more interactions with other people than me. I am naturally quiet, but I just spent two hours sitting outside talking my head off while I had coffee with my sister. I needed that. Counselors at my Residential Treatment Home 30 years ago used to tell us the best way to get good at small talk is PRACTICE. Because you can’t avoid it all the time. Small talk is weather, or sports, or current events in the news, or gossip.


Weather is a good idea. Most of the people around me don’t want to step out of their conservative republican shell so current events are out. I never know any gossip. Any other small talk ideas? I can and do talk to people well, but it’s the bland holding pattern stuff that I have no idea about.

Small talk: TV shows you might have seen. Something you did on the weekend. Your health. Music you like. Experiences you have had. Places you’re been. Pets. Money. Education. Power. People casually talk about these things. Fun things you’ve done. Here’s a great one: asking the other person questions about himself/herself. People LOVE to talk about themselves. Just ask some questions about something you’re curious about from what they are saying. Another good topic is food. Everybody loves food: Stuff you cook, stuff you eat, stuff you like.

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Cooking is good. Food is good. I can’t do the others because I’ve been places most people around here haven’t and I don’t want to sound braggy. I obsess over my cat too. I have more pictures of her than I do of me (I have only taken one or two selfies that I put online and that was to show someone far away a new hair cut) and I plan on taking more pictures of her. She is soooooo cute! Hold on, I’ll link a picture.
Hahahaha sorry. No picture. I’m not that much of a crazy cat lady yet. I’m getting there though. So pets are a no go.
I try to talk about other people, and some people really go for it. Others don’t and I feel like I am starting to ask too many questions.