Why can't I be normal

I’m generally high functioning but I don’t stay on my meds. They take my personality motivation sex drive and desire to interact. Still, I hold down a job and pay my bills. Few people know of my diagnosis, and when I can’t suppress symptoms they chal it up to me being purposefully strange or funny. Or my drinking problem Weird is part of my charm. I’m 32 and I be heard voices as long as I can remember. But lately they are worse. Drowning out the people I’m in the room with. I can’t focus and pretend I have bad hearing bc I literally can’t hear what people say to me sometimes.I am aware of the difference between the voices and real people. Or I think I am… I’m afraid because I’ve kept these secrets for so long and i don’t understand why I feel so unmanageable its getting worse my job my relationship everything is being affected. I can’t focus and I want to yell or hit the wall or just run away like really strong compulsions I’ve never felt. I know alcohol is bad I’ve been to prison rehab detox but it makes the delusional thoughts easier to deal with and I know I should be seeing a Dr and taking my meds but they really do change my personality I didn’t even notice or care until my family told me the meds were killing my personality. Idk what to do

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Find a different med. There are plenty to choose from.

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Self-medicating with booze is really unhealthy! You need to get stabilized on good meds, find the right balance that helps you work without turning off important parts of your soul. It IS possible! Working hard with your treatment provider for a better regimen is your best bet.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like you’re not going to be able to keep going on the way you have been. I think giving some different meds a try is your best bet. They have some good new ones that maybe won’t wreck up your personality so much. Then maybe you can get away from the alcohol and start to feeling more normal again. I wish you the best of luck.

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