When I was 18 I was dumb I think. I mean like many 18 year olds are but I made lots of key critical dumb decisions.
When I was 17 I worked at a golf course. I did the hardest job in the whole business of towns parks and rec. my supervisor gave me rave reviews to the organization. And when I was 18 I was offered a job directing traffic and stuff for the same business. It was easy. Made more money too. I went one day but then I discovered cannabis and I started smoking for the first time. I had some money. But not like thousands. But enough to pay for my cannabis habit at the time. So I didn’t return to that job ever again. Never thinking about the future when I’d eventually run out of money. Well I never have been good at money management. I worked again when I was 19 years old for 40 hours a week again to pay for further cannabis habits and stuff . But I was already addicted at this point to alcohol too. Maybe I could have smoked cannabis in life. the job would’ve split things up and I wouldn’t have got addicted. And maybe never develop bad habits or have too horrible mental health. My cannabis addiction lead to arrests and trying other drugs resulted from that.
Why was I so dumb to not work that summer. Maybe I was already MI. Although prodromal. It wasn’t nothing like the psychosis I faced around 19 1/2-20 and on. But I was clueless as to a lot of things. I dunno if misunderstanding direction in life is MI. Or you can blame it. But I definitely lost my direction in life probably early on in high school. Cannabis definitely seemed like a sexy enticing option at 18 years old.
yeah i never had thoughts of owning a house, or having a successful career, or getting married/having kids. i was all about hanging out, never thought my friends would betray me and grow up leaving me behind.
Well, quitting drugs at 18 would have been a tall order. I might have been able to, but I doubt it. When you’re tight with your friends and you all smoke pot together, quitting wouldn’t have even entered my 18 year old mind. So don’t blame yourself too much for your cannabis use.
At age 18 you’re both a kid and a young adult. When my 18th (and 19th and 20th) birthday came I didn’t suddenly gain a bunch of wisdom and good judgement overnight. I was basically still acting the same and doing the same things. I don’t think it’s being dumb necessarily, as just inexperienced about life and your place in it. I didn’t think of myself as dumb when I was 18 or 19 but I was smoking and drinking and driving and selling LSD and stealing and having minor run-ins with the law. Not exactly qualifications that would get me into Mensa.
Hindsight is 20/20. You did the best you could at the time. You were probably doing better than a lot of other people your age at age 18 to have a job at all.
I thought I did. But now I must re search for a direction. Although I have passions more . Idk about directions. But I have a better idea of what I’m looking for.
Seems like every time I settle on a direction in life, the universe has other ideas for me. I’m beginning to feel like I’m just a broken twig floating in the river and I should just quit trying to paddle upstream. Sometimes you just have to go with the flow, and trust that your passions will keep you afloat.
I feel more wholesome than I ever have. But I also feel lethargic.
It’s a more coming to realization of my grandeur coming down feeling anyways.
My parents have taught me how to do things but I feel so hopeless in some endeavors it’s crazy. I have passion for music and writing and spirituality and nature and although controversial and not recommended to schizophrenics , psychedelic drugs are another passion of mine. Just I love reading about them more than even doing them. Although I have had my experiences too.
I wish I could combine it all to something. Or write a book. If I went back to school I’d do religious studies or art or some combo.
Yes I noticed your artistic talent. I feel like you can tell how healthy a nation or a community is, by the value it assigns to artistic expression.
I watched this video recently about how creative people follow a path of high risk, high reward. The winners become billionaires, but the rest get ■■■■ upon by capitalism. But for a creative person to not be creative is a fate worse than death. Here is the video if you have the tolerance for it:
Cannabis didn’t lead me to crime or other drugs when I was young. Could it have triggered psychosis? I guess, but if it did then it took 10 years to do so.
It’s the hard drugs that scare me, never touched them.
It was getting arrested for .1 grams of cannabis shake which really ■■■■■■ me up at 18 1/2.
I don’t blame cannabis. It’s my misuse of it I blame.
My mom said she had smoked weed when she was younger. She lied to me. She didn’t wanna seem lame. But it made me have delusions about what weed did. I thought everyone must’ve smoked weed. It was a delusion. Because I was self medicating. And I believed in order to become so coherent and not ■■■■■■ up in the head everyone must’ve smoked marijuana. I felt before marijuana I never had much of a thought process at all. And marijuana brought it out. Which made me have the delusion everybody smoked weed
When I would have known I could, I would have left school with 15 or 16 years of age. That was the time I couldn’t cope with my life anymore and turned to drugs. I was mixing with likeminded teenagers. We didn’t had the internet and the TV had only three channels. When I think back I could have started an apprenticeship with 15 or 16 year of age as I was working already part-time delivering magazines. I didn’t understood the world back than and still don’t understand jealousy, envy and such. My environment was a jungle and still is. Sometimes it’s save and sometimes it’s dangerous. I can’t outrun my sz that is I know.
