I was a good child, when I was a kid, smart and happy, even with the amount of problems I had to face.
I started developing symptoms very early, mostly paranoid, and had a fixation about my make belief world that I lived like in a double life for many years.
Had big issues with my father, alcoholic and unmedicated bipolar that I found out very recently probably abused me, from things my mom told me a week ago.
I grew up in China, and when I came to Portugal there was this completely different living situation, my mother (now assumes) neglected me at that point in time, and I started hanging out with a gang and stealing and doing drugs, I was about 13/14 when that started.
Then, to take me out of that enviornment my mom sent me to live up north with my dying grandmother and I started to become an alcoholic then.
Then I moved back to Lisbon and started doing hard drugs, being rebellious, skipping classes, abusive relationships and all that other stuff I talked about before here on the forum, quatting houses, wondering the city, stealing food, all the stuff that marked me and made me weaker and triggered my psychotic break.
When I was in the hospital, and I think I told this already, I had a moment of clarity and decided to quit drugs and alcohol. I kept that promise to myself, I came back to my mom’s apartment and reunited my family ties. Asked for forgiveness for my erratic behavior and was forgiven.
I was still in denial, or anosognosia, but took my Zyprexa and went to the nurses office to get my monthly shot, religiously and without fault. Given that I was kinda affraid to go back to the hospital, I lied a bit to the doctors and they said my recovery was fast but it wasn’t. I still struggle with my grandiose delusions, I still struggle with mood swings, I still struggle with residual paranoia, and I still struggle with my sobriety even though that’s easier now.
Then I found this forum, and met some incredible people that make their lives worth it, that struggle but never give up, that go look for ways to better themselves and that made me feel small at first.
Here I was, fresh out of denial, still trying to figure out what this illness means to me, what it means to my life, my future, and to my family.
Then the topic of recovery came along, and I got it. No more drugs and alcohol, no more erratic behavior, no more not giving a crap about my mental illness and taking all the means necessary to live a better life than I lived before. It’s not that difficult, but it envolves more time thinking on ways I can become better instead of ways I can self destruct. That’s what recovery means to me and it’s possible.
It’s a given, with this illness I can relapse and things can get worse, but I’ll dust it off and start over.
There are a lot of inspirational people for me here and I thank the Potato God to have found this forum, and for it being recovery oriented, whatever that means to people.
Sorry for being on a bad mood recently, but things will get better for me. I’ll go to Amsterdam in a few days and keep up posting the Positive Messages of the Day
Thank you for reading, have a great day!