Same for me, I am just living to make my parents happy.
My bunny friend relies on me. I need to be here to take care of her and make sure sheās happy.
I try not to think too far ahead. Just put one foot in front of the other.
Willpower, and the belief that things may get better.
My family. Last night I was really low and thinking of ending things. My dad and brother were there for me.
My GF, my cat, and my family especially my nephews. Theyāve already seen their father and grandmother (my mom) die, I donāt want to add to the list.
Things are going quite good personally. All I have to do is avoid grain and limit dairy, on top of my regimen, and Iām basically snug as a bug in a rug.
Recovered so hard. Iām like 85% okay right now.
It could be argued that if you smoke you already have given up!
I donāt knowā¦ Iāve wondered thisā¦ Itās probably the medication Iām on? Less suicide ideation? Because Iām isolating myself and have a hard time getting out of bed, but I get out and work, cook, do groceries, cleanā¦ watch videos on youtubeā¦
Genuinely it might be stupidity
But I also like to think things can improve.
It also helps that I canāt die
My wife and my family and my dogs and friends. At times I get pretty damn low but I donāt let anyone see it and thereās no way Iām going to hurt the people I love and that love me. Yeah I think of ending it but thats selfish.
The strong belief and undesirability that I will go back in time and re-experience the restart of my life from 2012 onward with a refresh version of schizophrenia where things are probably worse and I might not make it this far ā (Edge of Tomorrow feelings).
Itās like insanity + quantum nudging of neurons which brings about unpredictability + quantum events that barely change and are not in my favor I think.
I experienced this all too often.
I never accepted or my mind ā ā ā ā ā ā ā imploded on itself and fell to the ground around 2011 and shattered all over the floor in a beautiful/ugly metaphor.
Only explanation is a higher power doing it. I donāt think schizophrenia is curable unless cosmic intervention lol.
I never figured it out why I cannot go back in time unless itās a paradox or Iām a doppleganger or somethingā¦my brain told me Iām trapped via mind uploading technology in a loop. It sucks.
Itās so absurd and unbelievable, it borders on boring and offensive and crazy.
Imagine quantum immortality but in the wrong direction ā arrow of time loops back to 2012 about. I often have thought about Mayan Prophecy and Simulation Theory but what are the odds of that? Slim and none and practically zero.
Occamās Razor is my new friend.
For a decade, I attempted suicide many, MANY times. I was so distraught that I couldnāt even do that successfully. So, I changed my attitude.
I want to live. My hope is that Iāll be able to travel, again.
Itās my mother honestlyā¦Her mother and HER mother offed themselves because of the era having no meds and had Major Depressive Disorder so we thinkā¦and I also lost 2 friends to gunshot suicidesā¦But yet I am getting closer and closer to letting go and just dying.,ā¦I am terrified yet it brings me peace. Iām 34 now. Have had schizophrenia since sage 2/2.5 according to doctors etcā¦So, I am tiredā¦and no, I cannot take a single antipsychotic because I hasve life-threatening reactions. So yeah, I feel really really screwed hereā¦
When in the grips of suicidal thoughts sometimes itās just listening to music that keeps me going, and utilizing my support system.
-S
The reason I smoke is for distraction.
Music and reading helps.
Music, cigarettes and self determination. If I had to list three, that would be it. A fourth would be faith.
My family, my dogs, and a never ending delusion that if I kill myself in a violent manner, and donāt follow my lifeās plan I will forever be stuck in an artificial world that I canāt prove is real.
No life, no release.
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