What is this?

I am losing self awareness and everything is automated thought flow now, three or so times a day, I become self aware.
Is this part of recovery ? Or the opposite?
Is this good ?

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Does self awareness comes from talking to self ? Or its the consciousness missing in play.
But I like the automatic thought flow, it doesnt have a cross talk with inner self.

I’m not really sure because I don’t quite get what you mean. But if you have better thought flow it sounds good to me

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Thought flow, just flowing without a second thought,

Today I played snooker and almost won with my friend, then this thought of second thought fell in place and started to lose,
and played carroms too, I was winning then self realization came in place and questioned self if I win I feel good,
But if I play a hard game and the opponent gives the best and he wins its a double win in my consciousness,
should I play to win or put self down as I like to see people win.
Is this self awareness? Or I am getting old to play games or thinking too much than needed,

I feel life is a competitors game, is this wise to give up, subconsciously.

So when I was in automated thought flow I was winning, then when self talk comes in I lose.

Hence, I concluded self awareness is a mess, because when I dont talk to self I win,

No one is too old to play. It’s good for you!