What if i just think i have sz but i actually dont?

Health and Recovery
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Sorry for spamming this forum lately but i keep questioning myself. I have a lot of experiences that people with sz talk about and it makes me think that i might have it, but ive been embarrassed talking with people i know about that because i think theyre laughing at me for convincing myself that im crazy when im actually not. I think my therapist and my friends are laughing at me now that ive told them that i think i have sz. My friends kept telling me last night that i probably dont have it because i act norm around them, and now i feel like im silly for worrying about this, but i still think theres something wrong with me. Why do i think that if i dont actually have it?

Is it possible that im just convincing myself im psychotic even though im not? Talking about my thoughts makes me feel stupid because i feel like im making them up. But why would i make up psychotic experiences? What kind of weirdo would do that? Am i just a stupid embarrassing idiot whose self-sabotaging?

Why am i afraid of people who i know care about me? All of my fear of them goes away as soon as im around them but when im alone it all comes back. Am i just stupid? I dont understand why i cant just learn that they arent against me.

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If a doctor diagnosed you you probably have it. I can also hang out with friends and act normal. I even go to college and Iā€™m in my junior year.

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Im still waiting on a diagnosis. Im probably just worrying about this too much. But also i dont trust my therapist and i think hes trying to ā– ā– ā– ā–  me over. I feel like hes going to either falsely diagnose me or tell me i dont have it when i actually do because he thinks im lying to him.

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What are your symptoms?

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Itā€™s really hard to describe. Sometimes i feel like my whole life is a movie, there are cameras everywhere and im being laughed at by people who are watching everything i do, like posting on this web site. This is pretty much a constant thing. Sometimes i think that all my friends are secretly working against me and they think im a stupid ridiculous person, or they think im evil and they want to hurt me. There are really bad times when i feel like a demon is taking my thoughts away and filling my head with its own thoughts, and i cant think anymore, and people are going to notice that i have demonic thoughts in my head and they will come and get me. But when i say this out loud to people it feels really silly because they think im just making it up and i dont really feel these things, and then i question whether i really am feeling them. What if im making up my own experiences? They feel so real when nobody is around.

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We are not supposed to diagnose people on this site but from this post and previous posts Iā€™d definitely say that you have something going on. I donā€™t think you are making it up. Itā€™s pretty common for people with psychotic disorders to feel that they are ā€œfaking itā€ or ā€œmaking it upā€. I see it quite frequently on this forum.

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I think im just worrying too much. Maybe i do have sz but if i do im not helping it by getting this anxious over it. Im going to try to take my mind off it for now. Thanks for letting me vent on here.

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itā€™s possible to be sz. and be stable on meds.

donā€™t understand who would be laughing at you.

I like people who laugh With me. donā€™t worry about posting it,
itā€™s a supportive site.

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I thought I had SZ but it turns out I didnā€™t. I had STPD, which has fewer positive symptoms. I.e. my delusions came and went quite frequently, and I was able to rationalise them. More often than not I would have ā€˜ideas of referenceā€™ rather than ā€˜delusions of referenceā€™. (Ideas are plausible, such as thinking someone doesnā€™t like me). My voices were mostly Indistinct and babbly, like a crowd. I was very aware of my conscience/superego criticising me and my actions, and I thought of him as a watcher, perhaps similar to your demon? Although swiping thoughts away is more likely the role of a protector part, not a persecutor.

If you donā€™t have SZ you will still be welcome here.

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Could you elaborate on this? My demon is evil and it tells me to run away from everyone and hurt myself, so i dont think thatā€™s a healthy and rational part of my brain. I dont understand why a benevolent entity would take my own thoughts away from me.

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Iā€™m worried about the same thing. In your original post.

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Yes of course I will talk more about parts.

Everyone has parts, but only some of us become aware of our parts. I am aware of several of mine, so Iā€™ll talk about those a bit if you like.

I started out with Tom, the watcher. He criticised me a lot, and was suspicious and alert to danger. Then i met Peace who wanted to party and have fun and not give a ā– ā– ā– ā– . They sort of fit the roles of parent and child.

Whilst this was going on, I was suffering from intrusive thoughts, which would begin with tasteful daydreaming, but when I got triggered they would escalate to something less tasteful, which caused me to feel overwhelmed. When my thoughts went this direction, some part of me that I was not aware of ā€˜stoleā€™ the thoughts, wiping them away and leaving me with no memory of them; as if i had just woken up and couldnā€™t remember the dream.

During my recovery I found it annoying that my thoughts were being stolen, because i needed to process those thoughts emotionally to help me recover from some trauma. When I tried to find out who was stealing them I discovered ā€˜Furyā€™, another part, who was protecting Tom & Peace, by eating bad and scary thoughts. Fury had been eating thoughts that caused me distress, so whenever I remembered my traumas Fury ate them again, making me forget.

Tom, Peace, and Fury, are now integrated into ā€˜Hydraā€™, so that we can work together without getting in each otherā€™s way.

The point to take away from this, is that even though these parts were at times causing me problems, they didnā€™t do that on purpose. They thought they were acting in my best interests.

If your demon is telling you to kill yourself, then it is likely that the demon thinks it is helping you, by stealing and holding a lot of your trauma. But what it steals and holds it becomes. It could be carrying a lot of your self-hate, your shame, and probably some negative emotions.

How does that sound to you, am I seeming like a crazy person?

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I think you need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist

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I think i get what youre saying, and it probably makes sense for your situation, but itā€™s not like that for me. My demon is me enemy, it tells me that it owns my soul and that itā€™s going to keep torturing me forever and it floods my mind with violent bloody images, often involving people i love. Maybe it isnt sz, maybe itā€™s a real demon or maybe itā€™s something else. I dont know.

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Also sometimes i feel like everything around me was put there on purpose by someone whoā€™s sending me messages i cant understand. Like theres a spiritual symbolism that connects every tiny detail that i see but i dont know how to interpret it. Itā€™s kinda hard to describe but itā€™s exactly the same feeling i got when i was on mushrooms, like theres a deep significance to where everything is placed and the things people say to me.

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Thereā€™s a lot of different things it could be, and a dozen diagnoses that might fit. I hope you find the answers youā€™re looking for. :relieved:

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What if you just think you donā€™t, but you actually do?

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